Parental Revelation continued...

Last night I stumbled upon a video of Ryan in 2005. Matt & I were at the pool with Ryan, McKenna and Kayla. As I was watching the video, I was blown away by how little Ryan was. He was just a baby. Still had that adorable baby face, cheeks, talked with that sweet, inquisitive voice. He had just turned 4 a couple months before. He was in the kids pool with his towel, which was totally soaked. Matt was asking him if he'd wrestled a snake. Ryan was tickled at the thought it was a snake. You can just see his wide eyed excitement and brain working it all out as he tried to lift this huge, wet, heavy towel out of the water, wring it out & drag it to the side of the pool.

My eyes then swelled with tears. Because all I remember thinking is how angry I was at him because I had told him not to put the towel in the water. I was too concerned about him not having a towel to dry off with, the hassle of having to get in the car to drive the short distance to our apartment, the fact he would want a towel and then be upset that no one else would give him theirs. I looked at him, remembering what a handful he was at that age. Running into the parking lots without thought, constantly moving moving moving... pushing, inquiring, testing. Going through the divorce and being a single parent for a long time, I remember being tired, worn out and full of frustration in trying to quell this little bundle of pure boy energy.

I truly wished last night I could go back 5 years and do it differently. Hand out more love, patience and interest in where and what he needed to explore. Join him in his pure delight at the wet towel and the "snake" he wanted to show Matt.

My dad once told me to live a life on no regret. To make decisions that don't have consequences that you can't live with. I've thought about that often and have found myself at times living moments of regret. Sometimes regret is simply consequence of living life and learning the hard way.

I think we get so caught up in our current race we really forget to cherish the age of our children now. Even video from last Christmas, McKenna looks much younger then today. I feel time slipping away and thought this morning, I need to really try and make the most of every day with the kids from this point out. I do wish I could recapture some of Ryan's toddler years, not full of the pain & difficulty of divorce. I did not get to enjoy it very much. I wish I had been a better mom. If there is any period where I've fallen short for both kids, it's been the past 5 years as I've tried to learn to parent 5 kids, blend a family, obtain stability in life, heal the wounds of all of us and establish some order and family. This is very difficult for me to admit because being a great mom and parent is the one thing I wanted to be more than anything and to know I could have done it better, could have not failed at one simple thing - time and love and patience, at times is painful to look at.

I guess that is probably part of the constant generational change, as we stretch and grow in different or the same ways as our parents - our kids will see our failures and attempt to do it differently. In part they will succeed, in part they will maintain the same struggles - at some point in the future, will a generation do it perfectly? ;) Only in Heaven I believe.