A look beyond

Last night while staring at graduation cards, my eyes alighted on one that said "Son, on your Graduation". It was an unexpected reaction, immediately choked up, tears in my eyes. I guess I thought of Ryan graduating. Which is ridiculous because he just turned 11. We drove home, talking about Kayla turning 18, graduating and I shared the experience. I say I think it's because everything I am, I do - is for my children. They are the reason for life. They are what drives me to be better, what gets me out of bed some days. What keeps me going. I can't imagine my life without them, as they move on to their own lives - not that I don't want them to move on but just the simple recognition that they won't be... - HERE. I miss them already and feel a bit silly recognizing that. Tears stream down my cheeks at this sudden emotional spillage. They bring me joy, some pain, cause me to grow (up), to laugh. It's difficult to look beyond that and see what I will be without what has been my entire life. At 18 I met their dad, we settled into our life, I always knew I wanted to be a mom - and not just any mom - but the best mom ever. We had to work hard to have our first and the second was a surprise so I remind myself to enjoy the experience, even when it's very tough & grueling. I have begun to feel excitement as McKenna approaches her own graduation next year, for her to begin her own life. Perhaps because I'm moving through the motions of letting go and feel wonder at the awesome person she is and the life experiences she has to look forward to. But I am not even close to that part of acceptance with Ryan and with him being "the end", I'm curious to see if I move through it the same as I have with McKenna. Perhaps it will be easier then - right now we are still in that wonderful place where he loves me, thinks I'm great and wants to snuggle every night before sleep. Perhaps as we move into the "I hate you, you are a moron" teenage season, I'll move through the letting go place. Regardless, it is inevitable. And I will always, always be one of those parents and grandparents, on the sidelines, cheering my kids and their kids on through life. They will always be secure in the fact that I absolutely adore them, that I am dependable, that I am present. I may be actually annoying sometimes, with my 5th wheel parked outside their home - while I try to find the balance of not enabling and not being disconnected. Not meddling and not disregarding. Being ever present, loving and cherishing the most precious gifts God chose to bestow upon my quick existence.

Culture Challenge of the Week: Parents Who Won't Parent

The new Fox TV show, "I Hate My Teenage Daughter," aired an episode recently that provoked passionate debate among real life moms. The TV episode followed a mom's reaction when her fourteen-year-old daughter wanted to date an older teen--a teenage dad. One viewer, then, turned to her peers on the popular blog site for moms, CafeMom, and asked, "Would you let your teenage daughter [age 14] date a guy who has a baby?"

While many of the moms said "no," (often saying they wouldn't let a fourteen-year-old date anyone), a few flakes said yes, and a significant number waffled.

The "wafflers" trouble me most.

Many wafflers were moms who felt a decision like this -- whether their 14-year-old should go out with a teen father -- wasn't theirs to make. As parents, they could only speak their piece and hope for the best.

Rules? Futile.

In their world, teens call the shots. Parental wisdom stacks up as one opinion among many -- advice to be considered, or not. Whether a teen will follow parental advice on dating is no more predictable than a roll of the dice.

"I would try to persuade her not to," said one mom. "I doubt I would have a choice, but I wouldn't like it," said another. A third chimed in with a fatalistic virtual shrug, "You can't really control love…"

Teen dating decisions for these moms clearly fall within the realm of personal autonomy, and so a daughter's autonomy (at 14!) would be absolute. Like selecting perfume, who they will spend time with alone becomes a matter of distinctly personal preference, impervious to rules or objective measure.

And so, if these parents believe they ought to suspend their parental judgment in favor of adolescent preference, what then is a parent's role? To 'support' --financially and emotionally -- their teen's decisions, regardless of whether or not those decisions are moral and prudent.

It's a secular parenting philosophy that extends beyond dating decisions to nearly every aspect of teenagers' lives -- friends, music, school, media, and faith. Teenage autonomy trumps parental authority.

The stage has been set for years now. From cartoons, to children's books, to adolescent literature, to school sex ed classes -- the cultural message is that parents are either clueless buffoons, or old-school tyrants. And, if parents don't willingly grant autonomy to their teens, then kids need a work-around (often provided by "teen advocates" with their own agenda).

Too often, parents themselves buy into this philosophy. As a result, according to Albert Mohler, the President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, parents today "have largely become passive facilitators in the lives of their children."


How To Save Your Family with Loving Direction [Authority]

These waffling moms need to take their blinders off. With eyes wide open, they need to look around and realize that they, not their teens, are the grown-ups in the room.
Teens simply don't have the knowledge, maturity, and wisdom to make adult judgments.

This is why they have us.

Parents possess experience and wisdom that children won't have for years. Even a mature teenager cannot easily envision -- by herself -- the full, long-term consequences of her actions. She hasn't lived long enough and doesn't know enough. An adult, on the other hand, presumably is aware of the consequences of early dating -- and the risks of dating an older male whose values and self-control are in doubt.

Most of the moms in this online conversation had the right instincts -- they knew the right decision. What they lacked was the confidence and will to act; they lacked the confidence and will to parent.

That's not okay.

Parents have more than wisdom and years -- we have a responsibility, given by God, to train our children in the way they should go. (Prov. 12:6). It's an ongoing responsibility -- a gift to our children -- that does not end magically when a child hits 13.

Or, 15. Or, 17.

Loving parental authority not only teaches children right from wrong, but also helps them develop prudence, exercise gradual independence, and assume greater personal responsibility on the path to adulthood.

Teenagers need their parents, and parents need to parent.

Do your teens call the shots in your home? Is your parental wisdom just one opinion among many -- "advice" for your teen to consider or reject? It's time for parents to parent!

***

Teens rebel. It's an inevitability that is not a matter of if, but when, and how often. And, even the best teens think that they know what's best for them, and will reject your wisdom from time to time.

But, the answer is not to throw your hands in the air (or, offer a virtual shrug), and accept defeat. Teens do not know what's best for them. They need you, and the rebellion you see in them is evidence of that.

Stand your ground. Don't relent. They may not immediately recognize that you are right, and that you have their best interests in mind, but one day they will. And, the alternative -- letting teens run their own lives -- can have tragic consequences.

More than just needing you -- teens want you. They want your guidance and rules. So, be there for them. They'll appreciate it more than they'll let you know.

Rebecca Hagelin - 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family

You might be a parent of a teenager...

YOU MIGHT BE THE PARENT OF A TEENAGER IF…

Though I have only been living with teenagers for three years and am in no way an expert on adolescents, I have learned a thing or two about the metamorphosis from innocent tween to full-blown teen status. It can be a subtle shift, a change that sneaks up on you without advance notice. But there are some clear warning signs that signal you are now living with a teen. As a public service, I am offering the following easy assessment tool for any parent to use if for some reason you are not sure you have become the parent of a genuine, bona fide teenager.
You might be the parent of a teenager…

…If you spend more money every month on groceries, mainly consisting of pop-tarts, frozen pizza, ramen noodles, Doritos and chicken pot pies, than the Gross National Product of several third world countries;
…If you attempt to open the door to your child’s room and your entry is blocked by a mountain of wet bath towels;
…If you have suddenly lost all ability to make sense, your IQ has dropped dramatically and at times your attempts at civil conversation are considered so lame that you deserve only an eye roll in response.
You might be the parent of a teenager if you have to fight for time on your own computer.

You might be the parent of a teenager if your makeup, hair brushes and hair spray regularly disappears. Even if you only have sons.

You might be the parent of a teenager if your car’s gas tank is perpetually on empty, and can probably drive itself to the gym, the school and the pizza place on command.

If you have recently purchased any electronic item that starts with a lower case “i”, had to ask someone to explain what the initials BRB, LOL and TTYL mean; bought 3 pairs of tennis shoes in 3 different sizes in one year for the same child; and you hear a “cha-ching” sound in your head and automatically reach for your wallet whenever they approach, you might be the parent of a teenager.

You might be the parent of a teenager if you can’t get your kids to go to bed at night or get up in the morning; the decibel level for simple questions such as “Do we have any milk?” rivals that of the landing strip at O’Hare airport; and you have often chosen to completely discard an item of clothing that has resided in the dark, dingy corners of a gym bag for far too long rather than let it contaminate an entire load of wash.

This is not an all-inclusive list, of course. I have heard other descriptions that include things like body jewelry and tattoos. But, if you feel compelled to cut out this article and hang it on your refrigerator door, amidst Zits cartoons, orthodontist appointment cards and the outrageous car insurance bill, well, congratulations my friend. You truly are the parent of a teenager.

Mary Beth Weisenburger lives in Putnam County with her husband and two authentic, full-blown teenagers.

I Hate You - Don't let it pass

What should a parent do when a young child says, “I hate you?” I’m Dr. James Dobson with My Family Talk.

Some givers of parental advice recommend that parents ignore these kinds of violent outbursts and expressions of hostility for a mother or father. I disagree. Even though it is true that most youngsters do have strong feelings, and it’s not unusual for them to verbalize their anger. Still, we need to teach children how to handle those emotions more appropriately. If a child screamed his hatred at me for the first time, I would wait until his passions had cooled and then I’d convey a message that would go something like this: “I know you were very upset earlier today, and I think we should talk about what you were feeling. All children get angry at their parents now and then, especially when they think they’ve been treated unfairly. But, that doesn’t excuse you from saying, ‘I hate you.’? You see, when people love each other as you and I do, they shouldn’t want to hurt each other. What you said hurt me; just as it would hurt you if I said something like that. Now you can tell me what angers you and I’ll listen carefully. And if I’m wrong, I’ll do my best to change the things that you don’t like. But, I can’t permit you to call me names or speak disrespectfully to me in that manner. Now is there anything you need to say to me? If not, then put your arms around my neck because I love you.”

See, once this boundary has been established, I would then expect the child to live within it. With My Family Talk, I’m Dr. James Dobson.

50 Things to say to your children: Janel Breitenstein

Janel Breitenstein


1. I’m proud of you. And even if you weren’t so fantastic, I’d still be proud.
2. I believe you.
3. The way you _____ is such a perfect addition for our family. God knew just what we needed when He gave us you.
4. I know you and I haven’t been seeing eye-to-eye lately. But I want to let you know that I accept you whether I agree with you or not, and I’m committed to working on our relationship so we both feel understood and secure.
5. I can’t believe how _____ you are. I can’t imagine the plans God has for you!
6. You know, you may not feel very _____, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He made you the way He did, and it was just how He wanted to express Himself. I love you just the way He made you. And I wouldn’t have wanted Him to do it any differently.
7. No matter how royally you mess up, I’ll always be glad you’re mine, I’ll forgive you, and I’ll love your socks off.
8. I saw how you _____. I’m so proud of you.
9. I forgive you. And I won’t bring this up again, okay?
10. I want to hang out with just you tonight. What do you want to do?
11. I remember when I _____. I felt so _____. I don’t know if that’s like what you’re going through, but it was a tough time for me.
12. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me for _____?
13. I got you this, just because.
14. Lately I’ve really seen you grow in the area of _____, like when you _____.
15. Yes, there is food in the house.
16. I admire the way you _______. In fact, I could learn a lot from you in that area.
17. That was a really wise choice.
18. No chores today.
19. I trust you.
20. You’re really growing into a young man/woman of character. I can’t tell you how exciting that is!
21. Go ahead and sleep in tomorrow.
22. I had no idea you could do that! You impress me.
23. What do you think?
24. I canceled your appointment with the dentist.
25. I love your dad/mom so much! He/she is so _____.
26. I love being around you.
27. I’m so glad you’re home.
28. Thank you!
29. I love doing _____ with you.
30. You are one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. I am so humbled God gave me you.
31. I feel so proud when I’m with you.
32. You handled that so well.
33. I made your favorite _____.
34. I’m trusting that God will take perfect care of us. He’s always done it before! Can we pray together about this?
35. With God’s help, your dad/mom and I will never, ever get a divorce.
36. That looks great on you.
37. If I were in your shoes, I would feel so _____. Is that how you feel?
38. Would you turn your music up?
39. You are so well-disciplined in _____.
40. I sent you a big ol’ care package in the mail.
41. That was so courageous.
42. Do you feel like I’m understanding you?
43. If there were one thing you could change about me as your mom/dad, what would it be?
44. You have some real gifts in the area of _____.
45. Let’s go to Grandma’s!
46. It is so cool to watch you grow up.
47. Just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you.
48. I miss you, but I’m glad you’re having a good time!
49. You make me so happy just by being you.
50. I love you so much.


This article originally appeared on MomLife Today, FamilyLife's blog for moms at all stages of life and motherhood. http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3842489&ct=9170615&utm_campaign=TFR-20110311&utm_source=CON&utm_medium=Email-N&utm_content=article

Another Brick in the Wall - an alternate view

"We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
Hey, teacher leave the kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall."

What a great song. I remember watching The Wall for the first time in late adolescent. I think I was first introduced to Pink Floyd in our weekend drives with Pete & Lenny in the famous Datsun. Watching the lights of Medford from the east hillside, jamming to great music. No, no drugs. Simple friendship bonded by great LOUD rebellious music. Later I was introduced to the movie by my ex husband. Loved it.

My parents were terrible parents. They shielded me. Which was odd since they were PRIME 60's flower kids. Aww yea. I was a product of a 17 year old teenage mom. My dad, a prime college student, boy from the Eastside of town. You know, up on the hill. One of those. The blonde hottie (yes my mom was hot) gets the college guy (who was also quite hot, I've seen the abs). Together, combined, they taught me morals, values, boundaries, to think, not expect, act, EDUCATE and a word - NO. Hmmmm. Interesting considering they are late baby boomers. Free everything and yes to all.

So when I first heard this song, it resounded to my adolescent brain. NO more! Period! Stop forcing me into YOUR way of thinking. One of the best that will go in to history.

As it rotated into my shuffle during my run, it took a different tone. I heard it on the other side. As a parent in 2011. Ironically this music that played into our psyche's may have actually whipped us into submission instead of rebellion. We are a generation of tolerant parents. We've been taught that it's not okay to have standards for ourselves or our kids. That it's not okay for teachers to have behavior expectations at school or apply consequences and discipline to the kids when they step out of line. Instead of reigning in those that would break children, who should NEVER have been allowed in the school system, we've run to the extreme and tied all of their hands.

We are wimpifying our boys, the next generation of men. Girls rule, boys drool. The classroom is set around a girls way of thinking. Boys are asked to be quiet, not to have outburst, perhaps drugged to conform. Yelled at by playground volunteers if they use star wars gun hands or lightsabers on the playground. The girls are running with power. Boys feeling inadequate and something is wrong with them. The same boys that will be men. There are plenty of studies out there fighting against this poor thinking and yet, as parents - we've become just one more brick in the wall. We sit in our place and watch, letting others tell us what we shouldn't do and allow the formation of the next generation with their own agendas.

As our kids enter junior high, we're expected to take a step back and let others have our children. Mold them, form them, tell them what is right and wrong as the world see it. We feel weird, incapable, feel resistance and annoyance should we stand up and say something silly, like - HEY! I'M the parent and I want to be involved! As the government looks on and some unseen future comes. Our kids may be weak, unable to fight and look on from their own place in the wall. And they've been taught in their own way, definitely do not ask, tell, fight back, have expectation, standards, question. Even as they hear your parents, your teachers, the adults in your life, do NOT know anything and not only are they stupid, they don't have any right to discipline or attempt to direct you, they learn to accept and not create any waves. The Matrix comes to mind.

Maybe, if we were raising generations of fighters, 91101 would have had a different ending. Instead of allowing Hollywood, sports, tv, radio, the medical science industry finagle their way into guiding out kids and returned to where it should start - the home - Americans wouldn't be seen as a country ripe for takeover. Plugging ourselves in to the latest technology, isolating ourselves from each other, medicating ourselves in various ways, addicting ourselves to everything possible, relying upon industry to provide and meet our every need - we are being controlled and in our silliness, saying we don't want to be. We have become. Another brick in the wall.

Don't worry about the feel of cement hardening around your brain. The end won't hurt. We're already asleep.