Culture Challenge of the Week: Parents Who Won't Parent

The new Fox TV show, "I Hate My Teenage Daughter," aired an episode recently that provoked passionate debate among real life moms. The TV episode followed a mom's reaction when her fourteen-year-old daughter wanted to date an older teen--a teenage dad. One viewer, then, turned to her peers on the popular blog site for moms, CafeMom, and asked, "Would you let your teenage daughter [age 14] date a guy who has a baby?"

While many of the moms said "no," (often saying they wouldn't let a fourteen-year-old date anyone), a few flakes said yes, and a significant number waffled.

The "wafflers" trouble me most.

Many wafflers were moms who felt a decision like this -- whether their 14-year-old should go out with a teen father -- wasn't theirs to make. As parents, they could only speak their piece and hope for the best.

Rules? Futile.

In their world, teens call the shots. Parental wisdom stacks up as one opinion among many -- advice to be considered, or not. Whether a teen will follow parental advice on dating is no more predictable than a roll of the dice.

"I would try to persuade her not to," said one mom. "I doubt I would have a choice, but I wouldn't like it," said another. A third chimed in with a fatalistic virtual shrug, "You can't really control love…"

Teen dating decisions for these moms clearly fall within the realm of personal autonomy, and so a daughter's autonomy (at 14!) would be absolute. Like selecting perfume, who they will spend time with alone becomes a matter of distinctly personal preference, impervious to rules or objective measure.

And so, if these parents believe they ought to suspend their parental judgment in favor of adolescent preference, what then is a parent's role? To 'support' --financially and emotionally -- their teen's decisions, regardless of whether or not those decisions are moral and prudent.

It's a secular parenting philosophy that extends beyond dating decisions to nearly every aspect of teenagers' lives -- friends, music, school, media, and faith. Teenage autonomy trumps parental authority.

The stage has been set for years now. From cartoons, to children's books, to adolescent literature, to school sex ed classes -- the cultural message is that parents are either clueless buffoons, or old-school tyrants. And, if parents don't willingly grant autonomy to their teens, then kids need a work-around (often provided by "teen advocates" with their own agenda).

Too often, parents themselves buy into this philosophy. As a result, according to Albert Mohler, the President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, parents today "have largely become passive facilitators in the lives of their children."


How To Save Your Family with Loving Direction [Authority]

These waffling moms need to take their blinders off. With eyes wide open, they need to look around and realize that they, not their teens, are the grown-ups in the room.
Teens simply don't have the knowledge, maturity, and wisdom to make adult judgments.

This is why they have us.

Parents possess experience and wisdom that children won't have for years. Even a mature teenager cannot easily envision -- by herself -- the full, long-term consequences of her actions. She hasn't lived long enough and doesn't know enough. An adult, on the other hand, presumably is aware of the consequences of early dating -- and the risks of dating an older male whose values and self-control are in doubt.

Most of the moms in this online conversation had the right instincts -- they knew the right decision. What they lacked was the confidence and will to act; they lacked the confidence and will to parent.

That's not okay.

Parents have more than wisdom and years -- we have a responsibility, given by God, to train our children in the way they should go. (Prov. 12:6). It's an ongoing responsibility -- a gift to our children -- that does not end magically when a child hits 13.

Or, 15. Or, 17.

Loving parental authority not only teaches children right from wrong, but also helps them develop prudence, exercise gradual independence, and assume greater personal responsibility on the path to adulthood.

Teenagers need their parents, and parents need to parent.

Do your teens call the shots in your home? Is your parental wisdom just one opinion among many -- "advice" for your teen to consider or reject? It's time for parents to parent!

***

Teens rebel. It's an inevitability that is not a matter of if, but when, and how often. And, even the best teens think that they know what's best for them, and will reject your wisdom from time to time.

But, the answer is not to throw your hands in the air (or, offer a virtual shrug), and accept defeat. Teens do not know what's best for them. They need you, and the rebellion you see in them is evidence of that.

Stand your ground. Don't relent. They may not immediately recognize that you are right, and that you have their best interests in mind, but one day they will. And, the alternative -- letting teens run their own lives -- can have tragic consequences.

More than just needing you -- teens want you. They want your guidance and rules. So, be there for them. They'll appreciate it more than they'll let you know.

Rebecca Hagelin - 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family

The Stepmom Wall: A Stepmom's Say

I don't have time to do my own writing anymore. Mainly because I'm spending too much time posting other people's stuff on my facebook wall. After all I am what I put at the top of my blog. A conduit. So I am promoting work that touches me.

Here's a blog I stumbled upon today. I have to admit Matt & I have struggled in this area. I shut my heart down for protection but remain ultimately open emotionally to my biological children, despite what they might do to hurt me. He is the same. There IS a difference in the connection between yourself and another person's child. It is unavoidable. Your child is YOURS. And a stepchild is not. You are only the step parent, even if you are in it 24/7. You remain the other.

As my children get older, I find myself in an almost constant state of reflection regarding my relationship with them and my place/importance in their lives. Having taught middle school for 10 years, I know what a complex and annoying creature an almost-teenager can be. Therefore, it is no surprise to me that there is an awkwardness that hovers over our house these days in our relationship with my stepsons.

We’re not cool anymore, and we sure as heck don’t have the answers they want to hear. It’s all normal.

Still, I know that the things I have been feeling aren’t exactly “normal.” As my own children grow older and begin to do the things that my stepsons were doing when I entered their lives, I am forced to admit that I feel differently about most things. I enjoy things with my children in ways that I never enjoyed with my stepsons. Most stepmoms will face this realization (if they can) with a sense of guilt and horror that they have somehow failed. There is a part of me that does feel like that.

But there’s another part of me that is beginning to understand what my role was never meant to be. The more I come to grips with my life as a mother, the more I understand my life as a stepmother.

We all have some walls that we surround ourselves with in order to guard against disappointment and hurt. If we are lucky, those walls aren’t that big or thick, and we make sure the gate is always open for those we love. I think most stepmoms (including myself) keep the gate locked for our stepchildren. I definitely scale the wall to meet them outside—and I really do love them—but the truth is, I have not let them as close to my heart as my own sons. I just can’t. Their potential to hurt me is so much greater than my own sons.

Funny how that works, huh?

I have had so many people tell me how important it is that I don’t treat my stepsons any differently than my own sons. To the extent that I can, I absolutely do this. Any variations in rules and expectations are mostly due to age. But there is something so false about this premise that I almost get angry when I think about what people are asking me to do.

There are many people in my life that I love. That I have CHOSEN to love. But this love is not unconditional in a way that a mother’s love is. I love my stepsons as much as I could ever love someone else’s kids. But I don’t love them the same way that I love my children. In addition, when you bring a child into the world, your heart is given to them in a way that is virtually impossible to give to another human being. For all of the intense feelings of love that we have for others, there is nothing like what we feel for our children. For some reason though, we expect a “good” stepmom to love her stepchildren the same way she loves her children. As if love is something that we just will ourselves into.

As much as I hate to admit it, some of why I have a stepmom wall is because of my stepsons’ mother. I just can’t let them get close enough to me so that she can use them to hurt me. I just can’t. Maybe this makes me weak, but it is just the truth. And I know it is not fair to them—–but it’s just how it is.

At this point in my life, I’m not sure that The Stepmom Wall is a bad thing. For me, it has allowed me to have a healthier, albeit more distant, relationship with my stepsons. It’s a fact of life for right now and it allows me to be the kind of mother I need to be for my sons. I hope that someday when my stepsons are adults, I will be able to have a more open relationship with them without the fear that BM will use them to hurt me. But for now, the wall stays.

As much as the perception and expectations of stepmoms is a constant source of frustration for me, I think that we all need to be a little bit more patient with the ignorant masses. The truth is, you honestly don’t know what it is like to be a stepmom until you are one. The best we can do is try our hardest and inform those around us about the realities of what we do and what we face.

And for people like me, put it out there for you to read.


http://astepmomssay.wordpress.com/

The Impact of Fathers: Dr. Bill Maier

"A girl's view of men is shaped primarily by her father. Which is why it's so critical for dad's to be positive examples to their daughters."

Author & therapist Norm Wright:

"That little girl, whether we know it or not, is looking at us and she is learning what all men are like. She learns how to respond to a man, even in flirting. She comes in and says "Daddy, look at my new dress" and if he says "mm, that's nice" and doesn't pay attention to her, she begins to feel "Is something wrong with me?".

But if he puts down his paper and says "Boy, you're really looking nice. I really like that dress." That gives her the sense "My daddy loves me".

Dr. Bill Maier:

Without dad's positive leadership, affirmation & encouragement, daughters are often left with a lifelong yearning for love & acceptance. In fact, the more a father is involved in his daughter's life, the less likely she is to seek out inappropriate male attention as she grows older."

For more on fatherhood, visit focusonthefamilyminute.com

Baby Lives after being pronounced Dead

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Common Parenting Myths, Debunked

I don't know about you but I really needed to hear this message today. I scourge myself with parental guilt daily. It's a curse!

I don't see it as bribery. I get paid for working. Is that bribery? When I act correctly and have good performance, I am rewarded. We don't do "allowance" in our house but we do privileges as payment, not bribery. There are plenty of consequence and I have been a consequence driven parent. The kids operated under a negative mentality about completing anything because "If I don't, then this is the punishment." It is very difficult for me to break that cycle. I was astonished to see our kids happily cleaning their desks at the end of the day in school, willingly cleaning up! Who's kids are these??? I discovered the teachers at school had a great idea with positive incentives for the classroom and it created an uplifting, positive atmosphere! We have implemented it at times but somehow find ourselves back to the consequence when patience run thin :) It is difficult to remain consistent and break a long time parenting habit, which at times results in a moment of mad parent yelling, which this article says isn't damaging them too much.

"Fair" parenting - when Matt & I set out on this wild ride, we discussed and agreed to parent all our kids the same. Boy, has that turned out to NOT work. Each kid is different and there is really a great difference between his children and my children, simply from the difference in genetics. Some allowance have to be made or one kids gets stuffed into the expectation box that fits another. It doesn't work. Even my own two are different and I've had to *gulp* accommodate.

Another guilt, taking time for ourselves. Our life is chaotic and incredibly full. So even though we are busy shuttling everyone around and meeting all the needs, at times it feels like we aren't meeting any quality or quantity time need for any of the kids. And we definitely are last for time together, except at night or when we're grocery shopping. Costco has become an ultimate date! Last Sunday as we skipped church so that we could attend to our marriage, I said we were bad parents, letting the kids get their own cereal and play while we were sleeping in & being "lazy". The opportunity is so rare... Matt simply said "What about Savannah?" - our 6th imaginary child that represents us. Point well made and so, we'll shuttle off together to the Portland Winterhawks vs. Everett Silvertips game this weekend, a little less guilt. Savannah must be maintained! (and yes, I know it's corny but she rocks!) ;)

Hope this eases some of your parental guilt today -
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http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/articleparenting.aspx?cp-documentid=23262808&page=5#atoolb

We've all been there. You're in the grocery store with a long list and a squirming toddler strapped into the cart. She becomes agitated and starts shrieking, "Out! Out!" at the top of her lungs. You are a) mortified and b) determined to bring home every item on the list. So you tell her that if she'll just be quiet, she can have a bag of M&M's. It works.

Or: You and your husband are having a disagreement that quickly escalates into a loud argument. Your kids -- who normally require something akin to an earthquake to tear them away from their engrossing video -- stop watching and stare at you, mouths agape. You envision them flying into the arms of a therapist by age 10.

In both of these situations, the Bad Parent Fairy hovers over our shoulders, fluttering annoyingly and whispering in our ears: "Bribery is bad" and "Don't argue in front of the children." We end up feeling guilty for not living up to the expectations we have for ourselves as parents.

In reality, the Bad Parent Fairy is just propagating old myths. But many of these have become such a part of the fabric of modern parenting, it can be difficult to sift out the grains of truth from the guilt-inducing fallacies.

To free yourself from such traps: Examine and defuse these myths, one by one -- and then tell that Bad Parent Fairy to take a hike.

Bribery Is Bad

Bribery has gotten a bad rap. And yet almost every parent has used it from time to time -- guiltily, covertly, fearing that we are somehow setting an irreversible precedent. "Stop me before I bribe again!" we want to shout.

Margaret Briggs, a mother of two in Roxbury, CT, was exasperated by the daily struggle she faced getting her sons, ages 6 and 9, ready for school. "I had to drag them out of bed, then we'd fight about what they'd wear. And it was like pulling teeth to get them to brush theirs. By the time we got to breakfast, they were grumpy and I felt like I'd been up half a day."

Then Briggs had the idea for a "bribe chart," a poster-board graph on which she wrote such activities as "Get Dressed," "Brush Teeth," and "Make Bed" and placed a bunch of stickers. After a week of meeting their responsibilities on their own, the boys each got a candy bar; after a month, a small Lego set. "At first I felt guilty -- why should I have to bribe them?" says Briggs. "But now they get themselves up and ready every day, and mornings have become a pleasure instead of a mutual torture chamber."

Giving kids privileges or rewards as a positive consequence for behavior isn't necessarily a bad thing. The word "bribery" makes such an incentive sound worse than it actually is, says Ellen Sachs Alter, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, in Evanston, IL. "Used selectively, for a specific behavioral goal like toilet training or teaching kids to make their bed, such bribery can be positive."

Of course, if every situation holds the promise of a reward for good behavior, your children will turn into monsters. "If you start bribing in order to get cooperation for simple things -- being polite to a grown-up, putting shoes on -- you'll get to the point where they won't make a move without the promise of a candy bar or a dollar," she says.

So first, try employing positive yet reward-free logic to achieve results: "When you use the potty, you can wear big-boy underwear" or "If you get yourself dressed every day, you can pick your own clothes."

Turn to bribery as a last resort. Keep in mind that the reward can be nonmaterial and include special privileges, such as having lunch at Daddy's office or taking a trip to the zoo.

Children Should Never See Their Parents Argue

I must have been 6 or 7 when I was lying awake in bed one night and heard, filtering up from downstairs, my parents having an argument. This was the first time I'd ever heard them yell at each other, and I cried myself to sleep, certain they were headed for divorce. (More than 30 years later, my parents are still happily married.)

Even while successfully raising five children, my parents -- like all parents -- made a few mistakes. By keeping their inevitable arguments behind closed doors in order to shield us from marital conflict, they unwittingly conveyed the message that fighting was somehow abnormal or frightening.

Many of us mistakenly assume that children are irreparably harmed by witnessing their parents' disagreements. "We have a fantasy that denial is beneficial, that if kids aren't exposed to anger or bitterness, they won't have these qualities themselves," says Steve Tuber, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology at the Graduate Center/City College, in New York City.

Constant bickering, of course, benefits no one. But children need good models for how to deal with angry feelings. "Arguing is a healthy part of any relationship," says Tuber. "By being able to disagree in a loving way and not hiding it from your children, you're teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way."

There are certain caveats: Never allow fights to become emotionally or physically abusive, and never fight about the children in front of them. "It's important to present a united front when it comes to raising your child," explains Heidi Murkoff, a PARENTING contributing editor and coauthor of the best-selling What to Expect books. "If you openly disagree about discipline techniques, your child is going to be confused and won't know what's expected of her."

When the argument blows over, it's critical that kids see you kiss and make up. This helps them understand that their parents go on loving each other even though they've had a fight.

Always Put Your Kids' Needs Ahead of Your Own

What expectant first-time parent hasn't heard some variation on this from a veteran parent friend: "Enjoy your life now -- once you have kids, it's all over, ha ha." We readily swallow the concept that once our baby's head pops out into the world, the next 18 years will be spent putting our own needs behind his.

Wrong. Murkoff puts it bluntly: "If you want to raise a child who puts his needs before others, then put his needs before yours." When a new baby cries, of course, a parent should always respond right away. But when he's a bit older -- starting between 9 and 12 months -- "you can begin to show him that other people have rights too by planting the seeds of patience, keeping in mind that it will take plenty of time for those seeds to sprout," says Murkoff. When your 9-month-old cries to be picked up, tell him, "Mommy's just finishing the dishes, then I'll be right over."

Being devoted to your child and being devoted to yourself shouldn't be mutually exclusive. Just as it's your job to make sure that your child gets proper nutrition, enough sleep, social interaction, and mental stimulation, remember that you need all those things as well. Sarah Moore, the mother of two boys, ages 4 and 7, and a management director at a San Francisco advertising agency, puts it this way: "I am a happier and more patient parent when I have interests beyond my kids, like my weekly yoga class. And when my husband and I get away by ourselves, this shows the boys that Mommy and Daddy love each other enough to spend time alone together."

You Should Treat All Your Children the Same

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard my two older boys, ages 7 and 8, whine, "It's not fair!" I'd be a millionaire by now. The sheer variety of daily decisions about which children can howl indignantly, complaining of inequity, is astonishing. Siblings will attach life-or-death importance to the distribution of red versus green Popsicles, who gets to go to the PG-rated movie, and who sits next to the window in an airplane.

"Being evenhanded with your kids and not favoring one over the other is a good thing," says Harriet Lerner, Ph.D, author of The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life. When accusations of inequity arise over such trivial matters as Popsicle color or window seats, you can treat all your children the same. By directing them to take turns ("You can sit by the window on the flight to Grandma's. On the way back, your brother can sit there.") or split the difference (dividing the flying time in half and switching seats), you give them the feeling of equitable treatment.

But fairness doesn't always mean sameness. Giving an older child more privileges or responsibilities than a younger one is unequal treatment that's still fair. As is giving more time to a child who has special difficulty paying attention, learning, or calming down.

However, kids under 6 aren't able to see things in context and have difficulty understanding that their needs may be different from their sibling's. "To a four-year-old, the idea that a two-year-old brother needs to be picked up first if both are crying is incomprehensible," says Tuber. "The parent looks really unreasonable to that child."

When an older kid resents the "special treatment" accorded to a younger sibling, point out the benefits that come with age: "You get to ride a bicycle. You can tie your own shoes." When your 5-year-old doesn't understand why she can't go to camp with her 7-year-old sister, concoct your own "Camp Day" at home, complete with sleeping bags, matching-color T-shirts, and a "camp lunch" in your backyard.

It's essential to remember that children -- even identical twins -- come into a family with different needs and temperaments, and what may work for one may not for another. Getting kids to recognize and revel in their individuality may cut down on sibling rivalry too -- though the Popsicle Wars may continue for many years to come.

Children Need "Quality Time"

The phrase "quality time" was originally meant to reassure working parents -- who had fewer hours with their kids in any given week than their stay-at-home counterparts -- that what matters is not the amount of time you spend but the quality of that time.

Flash bulletin: Any time you spend with your kids is quality time. When Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, in New York City, conducted a study of more than a thousand children about various family issues, she found that both quality and quantity matter. Kids need downtime or unscheduled hanging-out time with their parents, as well as "focused time" when parents are really paying attention. "It's not an either/or issue," says Galinsky. Watching TV and reading individually in different corners of the family room both qualify as valuable downtime.

"When people hear 'quality time,' they envision a family meeting in which everyone talks about their day and their feelings," says Lerner. "This just doesn't work." Many kids simply don't feel like pouring forth a font of information about their day to detail-thirsty parents. As my first-grader, Jonah, said to me recently, "Mom, I just lived it. Do I have to talk about it too?"

Experts agree that having unprogrammed, unscheduled time with your children can often comprise quality -- regardless of quantity. And sometimes when you least expect it -- while lounging in your pajamas on a Sunday morning or cuddling together on the kids' beds before sleep -- downtime can beget moments of connection, joy, and even intimacy.

"Losing It" With Your Kids Makes You a Bad Parent

Children are born with an uncanny ability to periodically transform even the most placid parents into screaming maniacs. Those of us who pride ourselves on being able to calmly and rationally resolve problems at work and with our spouse are horrified to discover that we are often powerless over our emotions when it comes to our progeny.

Worst of all, these moments of explosive anger rarely happen in the presence of others, which can create feelings of isolation and perpetuate a two-pronged myth: "Good parents" should be able to control their anger, and this never happens to anyone else.

On the contrary. "It's a universal experience for parents to 'lose it' from time to time," says Tuber. "All of their coping mechanisms evaporate, and they're left with tremendous frustration and anger."

So we scream. But does this damage the kids? "Not as long as a parent can later say, 'I'm sorry I lost it,'" says Galinsky. "Then kids can shrug it off." For a younger child who may be taken aback by your outburst, give her a hug, then say, "I know that was scary when I screamed so loud. I will try really hard not to lose my temper, but I'm not perfect." It's important for your child to learn that everyone makes mistakes -- even her mommy and daddy.

Parenting is hard enough without buying into the unrealistic and even harmful expectations that often plague us. So go ahead. Bribe. Argue. Be selfish. Lose it once in a while. And know that your child will turn out okay. The only one who may be permanently damaged is the Bad Parent Fairy -- and maybe that's just fine.

Abby Margolis Newman has written for PARENTING and Clubmom.com.