What was lost in the fire....

Don't fall of your chairs... but we've attended church 3 weeks in a row. And each week, the sermon has been pointed right at me. 3 Saturday nights ago, I lay on my bed, "reminiscing". Not pleasant thoughts. Running myself though my usual guilt of what if's and what for's about my divorce and effects of life during the time period on Ryan. Running myself through my memories of bad mothering. I was asked, "what are you thinking about baby?", I thought "nothing positive" but just responded "nothing in particular".

The next morning, we went to church, where we had been absent for some time due to a very involved & tiresome, busy life with work and kids. The sermon.... forgiving yourself first. Forgiving others next. The pastor, who nicely did not look my way as he went through his sermon, talked about the guilt we carry for years - sometimes entire lifetimes - over mistakes we've made. Our memories are like "movies" we replay over & over & over again, at any given time. Just push Play on the mental VCR, er, DVD player, and there it is for your perusal and mental/emotional anguish. I'm not sure who I have to forgive in my life - maybe I still have some pain towards my ex husband but for the most part, that's dealt with, other then the normal irritations when you share kids & financial responsibilities that go on for years. So I guess I have to start with myself.... sometimes that's the toughest person to pardon.

As we use to say about the pastor at East Hill.... he's been reading our mail again.