A look beyond

Last night while staring at graduation cards, my eyes alighted on one that said "Son, on your Graduation". It was an unexpected reaction, immediately choked up, tears in my eyes. I guess I thought of Ryan graduating. Which is ridiculous because he just turned 11. We drove home, talking about Kayla turning 18, graduating and I shared the experience. I say I think it's because everything I am, I do - is for my children. They are the reason for life. They are what drives me to be better, what gets me out of bed some days. What keeps me going. I can't imagine my life without them, as they move on to their own lives - not that I don't want them to move on but just the simple recognition that they won't be... - HERE. I miss them already and feel a bit silly recognizing that. Tears stream down my cheeks at this sudden emotional spillage. They bring me joy, some pain, cause me to grow (up), to laugh. It's difficult to look beyond that and see what I will be without what has been my entire life. At 18 I met their dad, we settled into our life, I always knew I wanted to be a mom - and not just any mom - but the best mom ever. We had to work hard to have our first and the second was a surprise so I remind myself to enjoy the experience, even when it's very tough & grueling. I have begun to feel excitement as McKenna approaches her own graduation next year, for her to begin her own life. Perhaps because I'm moving through the motions of letting go and feel wonder at the awesome person she is and the life experiences she has to look forward to. But I am not even close to that part of acceptance with Ryan and with him being "the end", I'm curious to see if I move through it the same as I have with McKenna. Perhaps it will be easier then - right now we are still in that wonderful place where he loves me, thinks I'm great and wants to snuggle every night before sleep. Perhaps as we move into the "I hate you, you are a moron" teenage season, I'll move through the letting go place. Regardless, it is inevitable. And I will always, always be one of those parents and grandparents, on the sidelines, cheering my kids and their kids on through life. They will always be secure in the fact that I absolutely adore them, that I am dependable, that I am present. I may be actually annoying sometimes, with my 5th wheel parked outside their home - while I try to find the balance of not enabling and not being disconnected. Not meddling and not disregarding. Being ever present, loving and cherishing the most precious gifts God chose to bestow upon my quick existence.