Getting in Touch with your Wild Man:TAOM

I LOVE this article!!! Men, find the wildside! Matt read this to me and we laughed, half serious, when the writer talks about lawschool and that legal side of our mind that is always working out the what if's beforehand, strips you of your wild side. This has been an issue or discussed several times between Matt and I. Matt is such a risk taker and I'm always working out the details & risk evaluating! Do I want that for my son? No! I want him flying up in the air on his bike, taking on the hill on his skateboard (padded & helmeted thank you), snowboarding with the rest of them - not stuffed into the girl boundaries! Same for my daughter. Guess I'd better make that skydiving appointment for myself.... maybe next year.

See the article here - it has video from the movie which is a must see.

http://artofmanliness.com/2010/07/12/dance-like-zorba-the-greek-getting-in-touch-with-your-wild-man/#comment-108915

We talk a lot about gentlemanly behavior and comportment on The Art of Manliness. I think it’s a trait we can all use more of and our culture finds in short supply. Acting like gentlemen builds our self-respect, makes our interactions with others more pleasant, and brings civility back to society.

But I don’t think we should pursue manners and self-discipline to the detriment of our Wild Man. The idea of the Wild Man was popularized in recent times by John Bly’s book about men entitled Iron John. In the book, Bly analyzes the Grimm fairy tale of Iron John and how it relates to a man’s mental and emotional development. To Bly, Iron John is the archetypal Wild Man. He’s covered in hair, he’s big, and he’s earthy. Iron John lives in the forest where it’s dangerous and mysterious. He scares civilized society because he doesn’t always follow the rules.

But according to Bly, the Wild Man isn’t some macho dude or savage man who takes pleasure in violence. The Wild Man is filled with masculine strength or what Bly calls Zeus Energy. The Ancient Greeks called this energy thumos or spiritedness. The Wild Man is the opposite of the pony-tailed New Age guy who only cultivates his nurturing or feminine side. The Wild Man has a fierceness that he’ll use to fight for what he thinks is right. The Wild Man isn’t afraid to shout what he wants and mean it. In short, the Wild Man isn’t afraid or ashamed of being a man.

In Iron John, the Wild Man takes a young boy out into the woods away from his parents and in the process teaches the boy about being a man. According to Bly, we all need to take that trip out into the wild and learn from the Wild Man in order to grow into a complete and mature masculinity. We need to be gentlemen and civilized, yes. But for a man to be truly happy and live a full life, he cannot neglect his Wild Man.

Zorba the Greek Dances His Heart Out
A film that perfectly captures man’s need to get in touch with his Wild Man is Zorba the Greek. Zorba is a man who lives life fully. He’s earthy. He’s filled with with that life giving Zeus Energy that Bly talks about. He’s the Wild Man.

Basil, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He’s a buttoned-down British gentleman who always says and does what’s proper and what’s expected of him. He’s lifeless, boring, and predictable.

There’s this awesome scene in the film where the difference between Basil and Zorba is highlighted perfectly. Watch:

Zorba dances like a mad man and Basil watches in awe. I love the look that Zorba gets on his face when he hears the music start to play. It’s a look that says, “I’m about to get wild. Join me or get out of the way!” But Zorba’s masculine energy and thumos makes Basil uncomfortable, so he stops Zorba.

If you think about it, that’s how we often treat manliness in our modern world. We’re afraid of manliness, and we try to tame it. We want to throw the Wild Man in a cage. Just look at the way we treat boys in our public schools. Boys by nature love rough and tumble play and are full of energy. They wrestle with each other on the carpet during reading time. They shout out answers without raising their hands. They get restless during grammar lessons, but light up with excitement when they get their hands dirty with a science experiment.

But what do we tell these boys? Behave! Sit still! Quiet down! We basically ask boys to act like girls. If asking and shaming doesn’t work, we tame the Wild Boy with pharmaceuticals.

I’ve seen this in my own life. I remember as a boy my friends and I would build giant dirt ramps in the fields behind our houses. I’d race my bike with wild abandon towards the incline and then propel myself into the air. For a brief moment I took flight, and I relished the feeling of absolute freedom. Yeah, I got hurt. But that was part of the excitement- the risk of serious physical harm. My friends and I were mad for adventure, and we looked for it every day.

Fast forward to today, and that Wild Man I once had has been tamed. After years of being told to “behave” and do what’s safe, I’ve become hyper risk-averse. Law school only made my aversion to risk even worse. As a lawyer, you’re trained to see and avoid problems so you don’t end up in court. I know I’ve annoyed Kate more than once by endlessly detailing everything that could possibly go wrong when we’re trying to make a decision.

But back to Zorba and Basil.

At the end of the film, Zorba the Greek and Basil sit together on a beach after witnessing the destruction of a giant zip line contraption that Zorba created to ferry wood down from a mountain. They share some wine and lamb and while they eat Zorba imparts some advice to his dull friend:

The scene really resonates with me because I know exactly where Basil is coming from. I think a lot of us do. We’ve spent our whole lives “behaving” and trying to please those around us. We go to college because that’s what we’re “supposed” to do. We work in careers that give us prestige, but don’t excite us at all. We play it safe and hope we can just get by in life. In the process, we’ve tamed the Wild Man within us and lost our passion for life.

Zorba is right. If a man wants to be truly free and truly alive, he has to have a bit of madness. You have to, as Robert Bly would say, be in touch with your Wild Man. Just look at how happy the two men are as they dance like Wild Men. When was the last time you were that full of joy? In our modern vernacular, “madness” has a negative connotation. We think lunatics and straight jackets when we hear the word. But that has not always been the way madness was viewed. The Ancient Greeks acknowledged the kind of madness that made a man insensible, but also believed in an entirely positive type of madness. For them, positive madness was a gift from the gods, powerful divine inspiration that superseded reason. The Ancient Greeks believed four kinds of divine madness existed: 1) madness of prophecy, 2) madness of love, 3) madness of poetry, and 4) madness of ritual. In the Phaedrus, Plato said that these forms of madness were “the source of the chiefest blessings granted to men” and that the “greatest of good things come to us through madness.”

Madness inspires men to create beautiful pieces of art and to love passionately and deeply. Madness imparts flashes of wisdom and insight and spurs men to attempt amazing and inspiring feats that a more reasonable and “sane” man would never venture to try.

When I think of some of the great men from history that I admire, many of them have this madness that Zorba talks about. When the world told them to “behave” or do the “reasonable thing,” they told the world to go to hell and they danced like Zorba right in the world’s face.

How to Dance Like Zorba
Some of you might be reading this and thinking “I’m Basil! I’m the boring stiff who’s lost all passion for life. I’ve tamed my Wild Man. How can I be more like Zorba?” I’ll readily admit I’m still in the process of getting back in touch with my Wild Man, but here are a few things I’ve learned that might help some of you.

Ask for help. In Iron John, the young boy learned about his wild side directly from the Wild Man. Basil learned how to dance from the Wild Man, Zorba the Greek. I’m sure we all know men in our lives that are full of Zeus Energy. They’re like Zorba the Greek. Seek these men out and ask if you can just hang out with them every now and then. You don’t have to ask your Wild Man mentor questions about what it means to be a man. Just talk and do stuff with him. The thing about Wild Man energy is that it’s life giving and contagious. It rubs off on people and inspires fierceness in other men.

Do one uncomfortable thing every day. One thing that’s helped me to get in touch with my Wild Man is to get out of my comfort zone as much as possible. Do something you’ve been wanting to do for awhile now, but have been putting off because it made you uncomfortable. Ask your boss for a raise. Ask that attractive woman you’ve been saying “hi” to for the past few months on a date. Talk to a stranger. Yeah, they’re not very dangerous, but all these activities involve some risk. You could be rejected and you might have your ego bruised. The Tame Man wouldn’t even bother to try because he can’t face that sort of discomfort. The Wild Man lives for the uncertainty and doesn’t take it personally if someone tells him to take a hike.

Do dangerous stuff. Alright. You’ve made some baby steps by doing stuff that would normally make you uncomfortable. Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. Go out and do something dangerous. Now, let me be clear. I’m not saying to be stupid. If you’ve never skydived before, I don’t recommend base-jumping from the Grand Canyon right off the bat. But find an activity that you’ve avoided because you were told all your life that it wasn’t safe. Shoot a gun. Go white water rafting. Hitchhike. Play rugby. Ride a motorcycle. Just do something dangerous and watch how the Wild Man responds to it. He’ll love it.

Push yourself physically. I love what AoM contributor, Chris Hutcheson said about getting in touch with your Wild Man.

“I think using your body to full capacity goes a long way towards getting in touch with your wild man. For example, I get the wild man feeling right about the same time I feel like I’m going to puke when I’m on a long hike up a mountain, or in the final minutes of a tied up rugby match when I have to run and hit even harder than I have been the entire match just to seal the deal. Something about knowing that I’m pushing the limit physically is what does it for me.”

Spend some time in the wild. Makes sense doesn’t it? If you want to get in touch with your Wild Man, then you need to spend some time in his natural habitat-the wild. We go from our climate-controlled houses to our climate-controlled cars to our climate-controlled office to our climate controlled gym and then back into our hole. You need to seek an environment that isn’t controlled at all, that’s free, natural, wild. Head out into the forest and mountains. Breathe air that hasn’t been recycled. Touch things that haven’t been manufactured. Go a few days without showering and get some real dirt on your body.

Dance like a Zorba. Have you ever been to a concert or a wedding and noticed how most of the men behave? They usually have their arms folded as they self-consciously tap their foot to the beat of the music. But we modern men in the West have forgotten the power of dance. We think it’s below us, that it’s just not cool or manly. Zorba the Greek would object.

There’s always that One Guy at the party or concert who understands this and just gets into it. He’s jumping around and gyrating to the rhythm of the music, and he doesn’t care what the hell other people think. He’s Zorba.

There’s something primal and wild about dancing. Every primitive tribe had a dance that only the men participated in. It was a way for men to tell stories, worship, prepare for battle and express their emotions fully.

This week, I want you to try to do your best Wild Man, Zorba dance. You can even do it in a place where no one will see you. Put on a favorite song and just dance your heart out for that one song. Your mind will tell you to stop, that you’re crazy. But don’t listen. That’s just the wussy Basil-side of you telling you to be sane. To keep the Wild Man in his cage.

But if you want to be free, you have to be a little mad. Dance on, brother. Dance on.

Recessions Silver Lining: Man Up

Matt is great with the kids at home. If I was laid off, there probably wouldn't be any question or raised eyebrows to my time at home while on unemployment. I find it interesting people's reactions to a "man" staying home with the family. I enjoyed this article. It also addresses the pressure to maintain a "non maternal" persona in the work place. So ridiculous, the pressure we create on ourselves in society. Child rearing is important! They are the next generation so why do we have them if we as a society don't place a great importance on actually partaking in the rearing, whether mother or father? I don't think McKenna will need counseling when Matt attends her field trip in my place on Monday, or Kayla will be debilitated because I take her out to lunch instead of her dad. Parents are teams working together for the same outcome - stable, individual, directed and well loved young adults.


By Kathleen Deveny | NEWSWEEK
Published Dec 4, 2009
From the magazine issue dated Dec 14, 2009


Like many people who work in industries that have been battered by the recession, I am absolutely thrilled to have a job. And like many who fear the next round of layoffs, I am on my very best behavior at work. (Click here to follow Kathleen Deveny).

Which means that when I have to take my daughter to the pediatrician or cut out early to attend her school's winter concert, I will probably lie and say I have to go to my own doctor instead. I am lucky to have reasonably flexible work hours, and an extremely flexible boss. But in an era of rampant job insecurity, it seems indefensible to request time off to hear my kid sing an Italian folk song—or get her a flu shot. Wouldn't that time be better spent doubling my productivity or developing new revenue streams?

Other working mothers sometimes employ the same strategy. When I heard that a friend had gone home sick recently, I e-mailed her to make sure she was OK. "I just had to take [Junior] to the doctor," came the response. "What was I supposed to do?" she asked, when called on her deception. "I'm worried about my job, but my kid has had a cough for four weeks!"

With schools winding down for the holidays, the flu season picking up, and unemployment topping 10 percent, anxiety has never been more acute for many working parents. That is especially true of working mothers. America is approaching a milestone: women are about to hold more than 50 percent of jobs for the first time, in part because men have been hit harder by layoffs. And yet women still shoulder the bulk of child-care responsibilities because of retrograde family roles, school-event schedules, and employers' attitudes. All of which can force an otherwise honest woman to fib.

In part, the reaction is rational. Maternal profiling is real. When a working father takes time off to watch a ballet recital, he's seen as noble. When a working mother rushes out of the office to care for a case of head lice, she's more likely to be labeled undependable. Mothers looking for work are less likely to be hired, are offered lower salaries, and are perceived to be less committed than fathers or women without children, according to a 2005 report by Shelley Correll, now an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University. And according to a 2007 survey by Elle/MSNBC.com, female bosses are twice as likely than their male counterparts to be seen as having family obligations interfere with work.

Sure, working dads do more chores around the house than their fathers did. But the waiting room at my pediatrician's office is still invariably packed with women. Working mothers spend 60 percent more time each day on child care and household tasks than employed fathers, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. And when a father faces unemployment, he is likely to spend just one minute more per day—just one minute!—on child care. (He will, however, carve out 83 more minutes to watch TV.) Unemployed mothers, on the other hand, spend nearly twice as much time as working moms taking care of their kids, all while they too look for work.

I would like to believe that for families who can get through this economic slump in one piece—without losing jobs or health insurance or homes—these hard times might encourage a rebalancing of responsibilities. Women's salaries are now critical to the well-being of more than 40 percent of American families, and so men must do better on the home front, doing the dishes, yes, but also planning the dinner that precedes them. "I hope this will lead us past the mommy wars and to the parent wars," says Stephanie Coontz, a professor at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash. "We need to get away from the idea that one person has to do all the parenting."

We might also want to abandon the notion that attending every single school event is pivotal to our children's happiness. What if I told my 9-year-old that, much as I would love to attend her class holiday party, I have to work instead? She would be upset—I would be upset—and then we would get over it. I can't imagine it would come up in future psychotherapy sessions.

Maybe the recession is good for more than just rebalancing family roles. Maybe it can bring a new level of sobriety to parenting itself. "I love this recession for families," says Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author. "It's helping kids learn to tolerate disappointment and frustration." I'm not sure I love the recession. And I'll probably go to the class party anyway. But at least now I'll admit it to my boss. Maybe.

Find this article at
http://www.newsweek.com/id/225532

The Energetic Man - The Art of Manliness

We love upright, energetic men. Pull them this way, and then that way, and the other, and they only bend, but never break. Trip them down, and in a trice they are on their feet. Bury them in the mud, and in an hour they will be out and bright. They are not ever yawning away existence, or walking about the world as if they had come into it with only half their soul; you cannot keep them down; you cannot destroy them. But for these the world would soon degenerate. They are the salt of the earth. Who but they start any noble project? They build our cities and rear our manufactories; they whiten the ocean with their sails, and they blacken the heavens with the smoke of their steam-vessels and furnace fires; they draw treasures from the mine; they plow the earth. Blessings on them! Look to them, young men, and take courage; imitate their example; catch the spirit of their energy and enterprise, and you will deserve, and no doubt command, success.