The driver of tomorrow is not thinking Green...

The driver of tomorrow is not thinking Green...
He's thinking Classic. (click on photo)

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Showing posts with label Focus on the Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Focus on the Family. Show all posts

Jun 14, 2011

FOTF: Submission - a valuable commodity.

The hair did stand up on the back of my neck when I saw this title come through my emails from FOTF. As a strong woman, raised by a strong woman, in a home where the typical male/female battle occurred, I have little intent on "submitting". In a world where men have been touted as better, when often they show themselves to be weaker, vainer & egotistical - breaking their wives hearts, deserting their children and their own responsibilities, abdicating their leadership roles because of the ease - I do not wish to submit.

But I like FOTF and I find their informative sessions helpful and genuine. I swallowed and flipped over to the broadcast. I was not disappointed.

I realized as I listened, Matt & I are witnessing this very war in our own home between our 10 year old son & 9 year old daughter. I move uncomfortably in my seat, listening to this as I realize, maybe the struggle between them, is a reflection of the struggle with my husband and myself. We are raising one son in a house full of women and he is being forced to abdicate to this houseful of very strong, sometimes rebellious women - even though the last thing I want is for him to marry some control freak female who wants to run the show.

On the other hand, women want their husbands to be strong. To lead. I think we really do. With love, patience, grace and tenderness, yet with strength. To be guided by a purpose that we can agree with, not by their own selfishness. To put their family first, children, wife above all else.

Men & Women have both dropped the ball. It's not always just one gender creating the friction. I have found peace in those times I felt trust for my husband's decision making. To not have to run the show. And I have taken over and hindered God's movement in my husband's life as well. I am not a patient person in some areas.

I also liked the author's husband's point about the worth of his wife's opinion. A woman's sense about things that a man doesn't necessarily have and the importance of listening. I think alot of times men, in their male conquering fix it spirit, miss that wonderful, invaluable gift in their wife.

I just wish they could find another word to label it. Submission is difficult to chew on.

Jun 22, 2010

Keep your home a sanctuary for your family.

It's a battle for your attention

In our media-driven culture we are being bombarded daily with messages of contradicting values. Men and women of faith are inundated with the theme of never being enough in the workplace or at home, as spouses or as parents. The presentation of "reality" is being warped and skewed at an alarming rate.

What about your children? Television, films and video games offer gratuitous violence; teen programs with provocative clothes and situations; pop-ups on the Web ... they're all fighting against the virtues and values you hold most dear and strive to instill in your kids.

Fortunately there are great, God-honoring alternatives worthy of your family's attention. For over 20 years, Focus on the Family® has been publishing magazines that bring trusted, age-appropriate entertainment, insight and issues right into your home--where influence begins and thrives. It's more important than ever that we be discerning of our media selections. You can be confident that Focus' magazines provide positive and informed fuel for the heart and mind. Generations of readers know the true value of these magazines, so check out the impact these good choices have made in their lives.

Jun 8, 2010

The Impact of Fathers: Dr. Bill Maier

"A girl's view of men is shaped primarily by her father. Which is why it's so critical for dad's to be positive examples to their daughters."

Author & therapist Norm Wright:

"That little girl, whether we know it or not, is looking at us and she is learning what all men are like. She learns how to respond to a man, even in flirting. She comes in and says "Daddy, look at my new dress" and if he says "mm, that's nice" and doesn't pay attention to her, she begins to feel "Is something wrong with me?".

But if he puts down his paper and says "Boy, you're really looking nice. I really like that dress." That gives her the sense "My daddy loves me".

Dr. Bill Maier:

Without dad's positive leadership, affirmation & encouragement, daughters are often left with a lifelong yearning for love & acceptance. In fact, the more a father is involved in his daughter's life, the less likely she is to seek out inappropriate male attention as she grows older."

For more on fatherhood, visit focusonthefamilyminute.com

Fear of Lightening: Dr. Bob Maier

"Most adults love to sit & watch a good thunderstorm. But to a toddler it can be a frightening experience. Many kids are naturally afraid of thunder because it sounds so dangerous & powerful. Telling them there's nothing to worry about doesn't seem to do much to calm their fears. Instead, try finding a few children's books about storms and encourage them to talk about their fears. Ask them "What are you afraid might happen when it thunders". You might be surprised at their answer. They could say something like "What if lightening gets in our house" or "I'm scared of thunder falling on our roof". This gives YOU a chance to explain what thunder is and why lightening won't hurt them if they stay indoors. Just talking about it often makes things better.

Kids fears aren't always rational - but to them they are always real."

Focus on the Family, Dr. Bill Maier - familyminutes.org

May 11, 2010

Rekindling the Romance, Part 1

This is a great FOTF broadcast. I hope it helps you reconnect to your own spouse today. Enjoy.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?LatestDaily=1

"We had 3 little girls, all practically in diapers. They were the focus of our lives. I was building my own practice which took time, Sandy focused on the kids. We really had lost it. We were not "in love", had lost our passion. We didn't get married for this but we loved the girls. We prayed. We put in boundaries, dating, playful things, I ... See Moreheld her hand - that brought back the passion. I opened the door - I hadn't done that in years, there was always some kid to take care of. It was like traveling on caravan, even with one kid. We weren't getting divorce but it wasn't a whole lot of fun by then."

"We were getting bored with each other. Like roommates, business partners, parents. That's not what I signed up for! I married the blond because she was gorgeous and the most wonderful person I'd ever met! As a person, great character, spiritual. She came first. The kids came next."

"We are losing christian marriages at an epidemic rate. 1 out of 2. Men in particular, in pursuit mode is a beautiful thing. She responds. Marriage. Hunt down, her heads on the wall, love dies. When men are pursuing, they are involved, passionate, and the woman is passionate back because she's made to be pursued her whole life. Men workaholic... See More. Focus on career. This is not what we're made for. If you lose your marriage, you're losing your relationship with God. The world says work yourself to death, go through 2 or 3 wives. Women focus on the kids but that has to be the case for awhile but I had lost her. All about the kids. No romance."

"Empty Nest divorces. Nothing left once the kids are gone. The enemy and the worlds lies are you're never gonna get it back. You're still sort of young, move on. I believe that you can get it back if you follow Solomon's example. Hang in there!"

"in the middle of having kids with needs, the home parent often feels like nothing left to give. Homework, activities, special needs. Sometimes it feels like you have to choose between marriage & kids. A challenge. It takes time & energy. You gotta be a team. Each spouse steps up & help with the outside career/kids/house (to give energy for romance). Teamwork."

Apr 22, 2010

Cultural Challenge:Bringing up Girls

OK, so my youngest child turned 18 this week, and now all of my children are officially "adults." Ouch! That hurts in one way, but is deeply beautiful and satisfying in so many other ways.

From a mom who has now "been there," my number one bit of advice to mothers of small children is: Enjoy them while you can. Spend time with them while they are still in your home. Examine your schedule, drop the junk, and seek out time to laugh with your kids, talk to them, shape their hearts and minds.

Just BE with them.

You will never get the precious years of childhood back -- ever. Do what you can to truly "parent" the precious children God has put in your care.

I'm so very grateful that before my children were born God placed it on my husband's and my heart to make them a top priority in our lives. Before money, careers, fancy houses and fancy vacations, our children came before everything else but our relationship with God and each other.

That's not to say there weren't times when we got over busy; there were plenty of those times! But, somehow, we were always able to recognize when work or volunteering got in the way, and -- thank God -- we were able to scale back and focus on the essential ingredient in parenthood: our children.

Since the month our only daughter turning 18 happens to coincide with one release of the very best books ever written about raising girls, I decided to make Bringing up Girls the focus of the Culture Challenge of the Week:


Culture Challenge of the Week: Bringing up Girls

This week my little girl -- and, youngest child -- becomes an adult. It is a strange feeling to suddenly become the mother of only adult children -- an odd transition that no one says much about, but is one of many monumental and emotional passages that comprise the "empty nest" era.

As Kristin turns 18 and prepares to leave our home for college, I am overwhelmed with gratitude -- so deeply thankful -- that God picked me to be her mommy.

She has always been a delightful child, and I am so proud of the woman she has become. A stellar student, a joyful human being, thoughtful and warm, and at once both out-going and humble.

Kristin is a mother’s dream come true.

I marvel that even in the midst of a culture that brainwashes so many girls to flaunt their sexual power, focus on selfish desires, and throw traditional morality and chastity to the wind, Kristin has managed to see through the lies and discover what is highest and best. Please know that although I have spent many hours in prayer over my little girl and have done my very best to teach her to challenge the culture and to tower above the darkness, it is Kristin -- not me -- who has chosen her life path. I thank God every day that she has chosen well. That she has chosen Him.

The great heartbreak is that our nation’s little girls are in danger, and many of them are ill-equipped to realize it.

Dr. James Dobson, author of the new book, Bringing up Girls, describes the many disturbing threats and behaviors that mark this generation of young women. Among them: "A rising incidence of eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia," cutting and self-mutilation, sexual aggression, binge drinking, and a growing trend of middle class girls to strip and even perform sex acts for cash.

Through the years, Dr. Dobson’s advice has helped me raise Kristin. I’ve read and listened to his teachings throughout my parenthood. And, I’m so grateful -- on behalf of other parents and their little girls too -- that Dr. Dobson has now compiled years of research and experience into one practical handbook to ensure that more girls reach their full potential and become women known for their sterling character and goodness. I’m also grateful that he is continuing to share his wonderful wisdom on the air through his new radio show, Family Talk, which he is co-hosting with his fine son, Ryan. (You can learn more at www.MyFamilyTalk.com)


How to Save Your Daughter

Dr. Dobson and his lovely wife, Shirley, are two of my all time favorite heroes.

In addition to serving as mentors and counselors to millions around the world through the powerful ministries they have led -- including Focus on the Family and the National Day of Prayer -- they succeeded in applying the principles they preach to raising their own inspiring and wonderful daughter, Danae. Although I’ve spent years researching and writing about parenting, family and cultural issues, I still marvel at the unique insights, timeless wisdom and practical help Dr. Dobson continues to offer parents. Bringing up Girls: Practical advice and encouragement for those shaping the next generation of women is a masterpiece, containing a treasure trove of advice and encouragement.

If you have daughters, nieces, granddaughters, or female cousins; if you work with girls in any way; Bringing up Girls can help you help them succeed in every area of their lives. Dr. Dobson opens the book by giving us a peek into the female nature, teaching us to appreciate what he calls "The Wonderful World of Girls." He has chapters on the unique, powerful, and different influences that fathers and mothers have on their little girls, and teaches how you can build a close relationship with your own.

He tackles controversial issues like "The Obsession with Beauty," "Bullies, Buddies, and Best Friends," and dedicates an entire chapter to the toughest and most common questions facing parents of girls. Most of all, Dr. Dobson inspires parents to love their daughters enough to take the time to connect with them, to be involved in their lives, and to dare to question the status quo.

As my own daughter prepares to enter adulthood as an honorable, giving, loving human being, my hat goes off to Dr. James Dobson for providing the tools parents need to help their little girls leave home that way too. Yes, your daughter will ultimately choose her own path, but Bringing Up Girls equips you to help her clearly see the right one.



If you read this newsletter on a regular basis, then you can probably tell that one of my great privileges is to promote people and ideas and organizations that help you succeed in this great adventure called, "parenthood." My desire is to help you strengthen your relationship with your children, grow their faith in God, and equip them to tower above the pop culture. I also want to give you and your friends encouragement each week.

Please take a few minutes to forward this e-mail to five people you know -- pastors, youth workers, teachers, friends -- anyone who has children in their life! Let them know they can receive it for free each week in their own inbox just by taking one minute to sign up at www.HowToSaveYourFamily.com.

Thank you, and have a blessed week!

Apr 7, 2010

Stay Connected w/your spouse

The minute you or your spouse returns home from work is the most important 60 seconds of the day. It is the moment, say Les and Leslie Parrott, when you and your spouse reconnect, and the quality of that connection sets the emotional tone for the rest of your time together. If general busyness and the demands of daily living are eating away at your marriage, then don't miss today's broadcast as the Parrotts offer encouragement and advice from their book Your Time-Starved Marriage: How to Stay Connected at the Speed of Life.

"Rather than coming in and saying, 'Hey, what's for dinner?' or 'Did you get the mail?' ... just take 60 seconds for tender touch, to caress and say, 'How was your day? How are you feeling?' Just get a little read on that. That sets the tone for the evening together."
— Les Parrott

http://listen.family.org/daily/A000002552.cfm

Apr 6, 2010

Words Are Powerful

It is important to take a few moments to see the history of the power of the spoken word, and how it all got started. Let's go back to the beginning in Genesis 1.

God said on the first day, "Let there be light," and there was light (Genesis 1:3). (There it is — the first spoken word!)

God said on the third day, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear" (Genesis 1:9).

Then on the sixth day God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness ..." (Genesis 1:26).

Take note! The first thing God did with Adam and Eve was to speak a blessing upon them: "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it' " (Genesis 1:28).

God's written Word reminds us how much God wants to bless us, as well as how we are called to bless others: "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Blessings Lead to Celebration

Webster's Online Thesaurus lists these related terms to "keep" or to "celebrate": honor, praise, bless, revere or consecrate. (Can you believe it? Blessing and celebration are synonymous!)1) As I [Doreen] was researching the word celebration in the Bible, I recognized that all celebration started with and comes from the heart of God. It is evident that our Heavenly Father loves to celebrate and bless His children.

God's heart of celebration is a reminder that we truly must be created In His image, because we, like God, love to party! Isn't it interesting how, between the U.S. government and Hallmark Corporation, they have created many days for us to celebrate?

With a quick search on the Internet, one can find more than three million opportunities to celebrate something. Doesn't it seem much more logical to celebrate personal moments in a powerful way that can breathe life into a young person's heart and future? As you grew up, did your cheerleaders in life (family, friends, teachers and coaches) remember your significant moments with celebration?

A new year, a graduation, a birthday or an anniversary — all such events mark a rite of passage.

Think back in your own life. What word of encouragement or affirmation spoke life and hope into your heart? Was it a comment from your mother? A high-five or "Way to go!" from your dad? A hug and kind whisper from your grandmother or grandfather? Perhaps a teacher or a coach complimented your character or talent? Maybe it was a pastor or youth worker who took the time to give words of encouragement?

Take a moment to jot down 10 nice things that you remember an adult saying to you when you were between the ages of 10 and 21.

If you could list 10, you are fortunate, and you will likely want to repeat the gift of words in the life of a young woman (or women) in your world. If you cannot list 10, you may even more strongly sense the need to be an encouraging adult in the life of a young woman. You can offer words of affirmation and set up opportunities for others to give her powerful, life-giving words of encouragement, too.

In addition, for many young women, the first prom serves as a pseudo-rite of passage, and we relegate this vital duty to a 14- to 18-year-old boy who may or may not have the best interest of the "princess" in mind. How much more valuable it is to celebrate a young woman's life through a rite-of-passage experience and celebration ceremony in the company of adults, leaders and friends speaking truth and encouragement to her.

We believe it is in the nature of every culture to celebrate significant moments in life. A ceremony defines a moment and helps a young woman embrace her family, church and friends who will come alongside her as she ventures into her future. A ceremony also solidifies her decisions and requires accountability — both are key in holding her to her commitment to live as a daughter of the King.

Excerpted and adapted from Pam Farrel and Doreen Hanna's book Raising a Modern-Day Princess, a Focus on the Family book. Copyright © 2009, Pam Farrel and Doreen Hanna. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/building_relationships/rites-of-passage-for-your-daughter/words-are-powerful.aspx

Apr 2, 2010

Dealing With Physical Distance in Marriage: FOTF

Whoever coined the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was likely single, speaking of his pet or, if he was married, taking an afternoon jaunt to the golf range. He probably wasn't leaving his wife and kids for a three-month contract project five states away, or deploying overseas for six to 18 months.

When we marry, few of us picture spending extended amounts of time away from our mate. Then reality sets in. Be it contract or missions work, relocation, a business trip, higher education, deployment, coming to the aide of an ailing family member or similar situation, uninvited circumstances force us into a world of "temporary singleness."

During this separation, you and your spouse will need each other more than ever as you "work out" your wedding vows, just as Paul called believers to work out their salvation in Philippians 2:12.

While absence can make the heart grow fonder, long-term separation comes with a host of hurdles: less frequent communication, no physical contact and the potential for danger, to name a few. Though your upcoming time apart will be difficult, it won't last forever. And good can come of it. Consider Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Whether you're facing one long separation, or a series of frequent separations, there's light at the end of the tunnel. There is more to look forward to than the end of this trial. Expect God to use this time apart to strengthen your marriage; anticipate amazing results.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/marriage_challenges/dealing_with_physical_distance_in_marriage.aspx

NEXT IN SERIES:

Absorbing the Initial Shock of Temporary Separation
Preparing for Your Time Apart
Your Time Apart: Making it Through and Back
Fanning the Flame From Afar
Fifteen Months Apart
Next Steps and Related Information

Mar 22, 2010

Advice for 2nd Marriages part 1 - FOTF

Psychologist Bill Meier, with guests Ron Deal, Author of The Smart Step Family and couple Jim & Susan Owens, remarried for over 20 years. The topic is remarriage and how to help children blend in to a new family.

Dr. Meier: What was your experience like when you entered into remarriage? Did you find that it was all hearts & butterflies? (laughter) or did things rapidly change for you?

Jim: Well again you have to understand with our marriage, we had 5 children that were blended instantly. My oldest was 13 and they went down to 5 and she had 2 children that were 2 & 3. And instantly you had little boys and little girls and there is a constant problem area that is lurking out there. I think more than anything the discipline of the children and the step parent syndrome are the things that create the problem. Not to mention there’s another mother and another father out there. When the children would go away for the weekend and come back, we would have to go through a kind of a recycle to start over again, when they were back home.

The 2 little boys, when we divorced, we’d have to drive 2 ½ hour to meet their father to pick them up. We tried several times how to break that up to make it a little bit of fun. We discovered that if both of us didn’t go, it’d always be a situation where one son would be in the front seat, one in the back because we’d have to deprogram them back to our household. Because they would be fighting or angry or upset, there’s a lot of issues.

Suzie: Well the dynamics of living in 2 different houses with completely 2 different personalities is very tough.

Jim: And there would be simple things that we would never think about. If they were going camping or fishing w/their father and we didn’t send the right clothes, the right swimming suit. You know there were a lot of little funny things like that.

Dr. Meier: As they talk you can hear that there’s, all of that complexity brings a level of stress to the marriage relationship. One of the things that is most amazing to realize for most people is that the level of stress that remarried couples face the first 2 years is equal to the level of stress that most people experience the first 2 years after divorce. 3 times higher than the normal level of stress in a biological first marriage home. And so what do they do with that? They have to have good conflict resolution skills, good coping skills, good negotiation skills, because if they don’t the stress builds up and it erodes the marriage.

Jim: It ain’t the Brady Bunch is it?

Meier: No, I like to say the Brady Bunch lied!

Suzie: Big misnomer, that’s not it at all. It was awful.

Now Jim & Susan, I’m guessing with both of you, coming out of the divorce, there were some issues with the exes. How was that process for you?

Susan: Well it’s a very hard adjustment for everyone involved. At the time Jim & I remarried, your happy, while you’re in that dating process, very selfish, very single minded, your not really thinking about all the ripple effects that it has. But then the adjustments are phenomenal. The boys father lost his sons! And we moved 350 miles away from him. On the other hand, the boys lost their father. And it was a very hard process for all of us – and to this day (20 years later) it’s still an adjustment that you really don’t think about at the time. And the girls and their mother. It’s very hard.

Jim: And through the years that we’ve been married, things have gotten better. I don’t know how we decided this, but one of the things we’ve done is we never tried to talk ugly or be negative about the other parent. There were times behind closed doors we’d tear it up, but never in front of the kids. If I come out and really say what I feel about the ex, the son feels like I’m attacking his parent and that creates a wedge between me & my step son. We had issues – the oldest son was 4 when we remarried and he was probably the most difficult for me to blend that relationship. And I think that part of what Ron says in the book is you gotta take time, you can’t rush that, And there are so many little issues like that – discipline, when you’ve been raising your children and you discipline them one way and you blend a family, then you have different issues, different things to do – it’s a constant area that you’ve got to work on and be conscious of. A lot of times we would do something, then go behind closed doors and have to go back and say “I’m sorry”.

Susan: Oh yea there were many times the disagreements you have with children in a christian home, single marriage, you have terrible problems with raising children. It’s a difficult thing. It’s VERY difficult being a step parent. Yea, I can’t tell you how many times we went behind closed doors and I told Jim “I don’t agree with that”. Never did this in front of the children, never – in fact our children are now adults, beautiful children and we still, watch out what we say about their other parents.

Meier: Well I admire you two about that because that is actually quite rare. Ron has experienced that in his work. Many couples can’t put aside that bitterness for the sake of their children. In fact, you have a saying in your book “When two elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers”.

Ron: When the elephants are fighting, they’re not aware of what’s going on with the grass. And unfortunately, the hurt, anger, bitterness, pain of the past, with the ex spouse relationship, becomes a barrier to the new relationships. And here the couple thinks it’s about them. And the truth is, it is about them but it’s also about parenting & step parenting. It is also about dealing between households with an ex spouse. It is all of that wrapped up in to one. Again, most couples intuitively know that there’s going to be some challenges but they don’t really know how to navigate all that complexity. And that’s what gets them in trouble.

Mar 11, 2010

The First 5 Years of Marriage

I love these two. I've heard them a few times and just real good down home advice.

Focus on the Family - Marriage

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/james_dobson_on_marriage/jdom_2010/1_jan_feb_march/jdom_20100302_276.mp3

Mar 10, 2010

Christian Men and Sexuality

Do we have your attention? ;)

I think you'll be surprised to hear this christian perspective on men & their sexuality. I feel sorry for them because we as females understand so little and shame them greatly in what is natural for them. And they keep it to themselves and find no healing or help. I have a tab labeled "Dobson Feeds" which deals with all sorts of marriage/family issues, this was only one series I heard today. I know men, do you? Maybe they could use some understanding today.

Each section is about 5 minutes - very quick listening.


Christian Men & Sexuality Part 1

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/james_dobson_on_marriage/jdom_2009/4_oct_nov_dec/jdom_20091103_242.mp3

Part 2:

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/james_dobson_on_marriage/jdom_2009/4_oct_nov_dec/jdom_20091105_243.mp3

Part 3:

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/james_dobson_on_marriage/jdom_2009/4_oct_nov_dec/jdom_20091201_250.mp3

Part 4:

http://fotf.cdnetworks.net/fotf/mp3/james_dobson_on_marriage/jdom_2009/4_oct_nov_dec/jdom_20091203_251.mp3

Nov 23, 2009

Parental Pledge

"Today I pledge I will fight for my children & their futures. I will not back down or grow so weary that I give up. I will remember that above all else, my goal is to show my children that I love them - enough to dare to challenge the status quo." Rebecca Hagelin 30 ways to save your family in 30 days.

Sep 15, 2009

An answer to the Thermostat dillemma!

Focus on the Family
Understanding and Accepting Your Mate's Differences

We need to appreciate each other's uniqueness if we hope to live together in harmony.
by James Dobson, Ph.D.

The Gender Gap

My wife, Shirley, and I have been blessed with a wonderful relationship. She is my best friend, and I would rather spend an evening with her than with anyone else on earth. But we are also unique individuals and have struggled at times with our differences.

Our most serious conflict has raged now for forty-plus years, with no solution in sight. The problem is that we operate on entirely different internal heating mechanisms. I am very hot-blooded and prefer a Siberian climate. Shirley has ice in her veins and shivers even in warm surroundings. She has concluded that if we can have only one flesh between us, she's going to make it sweat! She will slip over to the thermostat at home and spin the dial to at least eighty-five degrees. All the bacteria in the house jump for joy and begin reproducing like crazy. Within a few minutes I start to glow and begin throwing open doors and windows. This ridiculous tug-of-war has been going on since our honeymoon and will continue till death do us part. In fact, there have been a few times when I thought death would part us over this difficulty!

What is interesting to me is how many other husbands and wives struggle with this problem. It also plagues men and women who fight over the office thermostat. Why is temperature such a pressure point? Because women typically operate at a lower rate of metabolism than men. This is only one of the countless physiological and emotional differences between the sexes that we must understand if we hope to live together in harmony.

Genesis tells us that the Creator made two sexes, not one, and that He designed each gender for a specific purpose. Take a good look at male and female anatomy and it becomes obvious that we were crafted to "fit" together. This is not only true in a sexual context but psychologically as well. Eve, being suited to Adam's particular needs, was given to him as a "help-meet." Man and woman were each divinely fashioned to complement the other.
We're Not Alike

Even a cursory examination of our biological differences can give us a greater appreciation for the unique and wonderful way we are made. Here is a quick rundown of a few:

1. Men and women differ in every cell of their bodies. This is because each carries a different chromosome pattern that is the basic source of their maleness or femaleness.
2. Women have greater constitutional vitality, perhaps because of this chromosome difference. Normally, women in the United States outlive men by three or four years.
3. Men have a higher rate of basal metabolism than women.
4. The sexes differ in skeletal structure, woman having a shorter head, broader face, less-protruding chin, shorter legs, and longer trunk. The first finger of a woman's hand is usually longer than the third; with men the reverse is true. Men's teeth typically last longer than do those of women.
5. Women have a larger stomach, kidneys, liver and appendix, and have smaller lungs.
6. Women have three important physiological functions totally absent in men — menstruation, pregnancy, and lactation. Each of these significantly influences behavior and feelings. Female hormonal patterns are more complex and varied than male. The glands work differently in the two sexes. For example, a woman's thyroid is larger and more active; it enlarges during menstruation and pregnancy, which makes her more prone to goiter, and is associated with the smooth skin, relatively hairless body, and thin layer of subcutaneous fat that are important elements in the concept of personal beauty. Women are also more responsive emotionally, laughing and crying more readily.
7. Women's blood contains more water (20 percent fewer red cells). Since red cells supply oxygen to the body, she tires more easily and is more prone to faint. Her constitutional viability is therefore strictly a long-range matter. When the working day in British factories under wartime conditions was increased from ten to twelve hours, accidents involving women increased 150 percent; the rate of accidents among men men did not increase significantly.
8. Men are 50 percent stronger than women in brute strength.
9. Women's hearts beat more rapidly (eighty vs. seventy-two beats per minute on average); blood pressure (ten points lower than men) varies from minute to minute; but they have less tendency to high blood pressure -- at least when the comparison is to women who have not yet experienced menopause.
10. Female lung capacity is about 30 percent less than in males.
11. Women can withstand high temperature better than men because their metabolism slows down less.1

And Even More Differences

In addition to these physiological differences, the sexes are blessed with a vast array of unique emotional characteristics. It is a wise and dedicated husband who desires to understand his wife's psychological needs and then sets out to meet them. Is she a morning person? If not, bring her a cup of coffee to help her start the day. Does she want to talk the moment she opens her eyes? It is unlikely -- but if she feels that way, set aside a few minutes each morning for casual conversation. An observant man can discover countless ways to serve and warm the heart of his wife.

The emotional differences between you and your partner will influence every aspect of your relationship. Briefly stated, in women, love is linked to self-esteem. For a man, romantic experiences with his wife are warm and enjoyable and memorable -- but are not considered necessary. For a woman, they are her lifeblood. Her confidence, her sexual response, and her zest for living are often directly related to those tender moments when she feels deeply loved and appreciated by her man. That is why flowers and candy and cards are more meaningful to her than to him. This is why she is continually trying to pull him away from the television set or the newspaper, and not vice versa. This is why the anniversary is critically important to her and why she never forgets it. That is why he had better not forget it!

This need for romantic love is not some quirk or peculiarity of the wife, as some husbands may think. It is the way God designed the human female, and the sooner men understand this, the better they will be equipped to increase the level of intimacy in their marriages.

Men also need to realize that women tend to care more about the home and everything in it. I don't know whether your wife or fiancee has a nesting instinct, but for years I have observed this feminine interest in the details of the family dwelling. Admittedly, not every woman lives in a neat house. I know some messy ladies whose mothers must have been frightened by garbage trucks when they were pregnant! Yet even these women show a genuine concern for their house and what is in it. Husbands sometimes fail to comprehend the significance of this female inclination.

Shirley and I recognized that we had differing perspectives several years ago when we purchased a gas barbecue unit for use in our backyard. We hired a plumber to install the device and left for the day. When we returned, we both observed that the barbecue was mounted about eight inches too high. Shirley and I stood looking at the appliance, and our reactions were quite different.

I said, "Yes, it's true. The plumber made a mistake. The barbecue is a bit too high. By the way, what's for dinner tonight?"

Shirley reacted more emphatically. "I don't think I can stand that thing sticking up in the air like that!"

I could have lived the rest of my life without ever thinking about the barbecue mounting again, but to Shirley it was a big deal. Why? Because we see the home differently. So we called the plumber and had him lower the unit about eight inches.

Husbands aren't the only ones who need to be aware of their partners' needs, of course. I suggest that wives tune in to their husbands' quirks and interests as well. For example, a survey taken several years ago to determine what men care about most yielded surprising results. Men did not long for expensive furniture, well-equipped garages, or a private study. What they wanted most was tranquility at home. Competition in the workplace today is so fierce, and the stresses of pleasing a boss and surviving professionally are so severe, that the home needs to be a haven to which a man can retreat. It is a smart woman who tries to make her home what her husband needs it to be.

Of course, many women also work, and their husbands are not the only ones in need of tranquility. This is a major problem in two-career families. It is even more difficult in the single-parent situation. I know no simple solution to those stress points, although I'm convinced that emotional instability and even physical illness can occur in the absence of a "safe place." Creating an environment at home to meet that need should be given priority, regardless of the family structure.

Well, so much for this short discourse on gender distinctiveness. I have attempted to show not only that males and females are different -- which any bloke can see -- but also that God authored those differences and we should appreciate them. It is our uniqueness that gives freshness and vitality to a relationship. How boring it would be if the sexes were identical! How redundant it would have been for the Creator to put Adam to sleep and then fashion yet another man from his rib!

No, He brought forth a woman and gave her to Adam. He put greater toughness and aggressiveness in the man, and more softness and nurturance in the woman -- and suited them to one another's needs. And in their relationship, He symbolized the mystical bond between the believer and Christ Himself. What an incredible concept!

I say to you, husbands and wives, celebrate your uniqueness and learn to compromise when male and female individuality collide. Or as an unnamed Frenchman once said, "Vive la difference!" He must have been a happily married man.
From Love for a Lifetime, published by Multnomah Gifts. Copyright © 2003, James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.
1Taken from Dr. Paul Popenoe, "Are Women Really Different?" Family Life 31 (February 1971).

Aug 20, 2009

FOTF Women & Mid-Life Crisis

This is a radio broadcast from Focus on the Family. This was a fascinating and informative broadcast, for both men & women. This is part 5 of a 6 part series. Very quick, 5 minute segments. I will try & publish the rest but if you want the link to the broadcast (and numerous others on ALL topics of life) let me know.

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John Fuller (JF) & James Dobson (JD) interview Jim Conway (JC) and his wife Sally Conway (SC). They are experts on the middle years and they are discussing ways to help women manage that mid life crisis.

"There’s a common understanding that men go through a mid life crisis sometime in mid 30’s early 40’s. But women also go through a mid life crisis."

JD: Let’s get specific – how do you head off a mid-life crisis?

JC: If we can get husbands first of all to realize his wife, as well as he a little later on, are both going to go through a transition where they are going to be rethinking who they are, what they want to do with their life and what their values will be. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not an unspiritual thing but it’s a normal rethinking process. He needs to be prepared to have time enough to allow that to happen in her life so that he is not just using her to make his career successful. See that is what I was doing with Sally, I was using her to keep my church ministry going - now don’t demand any time of your own because you’ll take that away from my ministry.

JD: I think one of the most difficult realities that a young man has to face is that he is brought up to see his career as an all consuming effort and he marries this helpmate, who is going to stand side by side with him and together, they will conquer the world. He buys in to that and he sets himself to go out to do it, pours himself in to it and he thinks in his little mind “I’m doing this for her – this is for you babe! Together, we’re gonna buy a house because I’m working hard and we’re going to raise our kids – because I’m working hard – and I’m going to provide for you” – and he thinks of that as his mission. Then it dawns on him she not only doesn’t appreciate that, she considers his job a competitor. She resents that work - instead of feeling like “well I appreciate what you're doing for us” – she sees the job as another woman, practically and that’s a blow to him when that comes.

JC: And if the man is reflective enough, he’ll see that he wasn’t doing it for her at all. He was doing it for himself. And he never faced that. That’s devastating. She’s faced it – “you're out doing that for you, it’s not for me”.

SC: Well a lot of time she’d be more willing to trade some of those things he’s providing, for time that she’d like to have from him.

JD: I’ve watched medical students go in to their post graduate education with great zeal – this is something we’re going to do together!” but by the junior year, the third year of school, the wife realizes “hey, I’ve been replaced. This guys’ married to medicine. This isn’t something we’re doing together, this is something he’s doing for himself. And furthermore, I’m a has been”. And divorces occur right there.

SC: And it happens to the seminary students we work with too. They realize their husband likes Hebrew & Greek and Theology more then he does with a relationship with them. Or he feels like he must put it first in order to get A’s at school.

JD: I hate to really bomb the men because I didn’t get the PHD without some sweat and you’ve got to work hard to make it in life. So what’s the answer? How do men take this challenge that they feel God has called them to, whether it’s the ministry or something else, without sacrificing what their wives need?

SC: It would be better if a seminary student took B’s and had one of his majors in personal relationships. Especially with his wife. Even if it took longer to finish school.

JD: I had to do that. There was a point in my doctorate program in USC that I felt the obligations in classwork had eroded my relationship with Shirley. We came to a point where I didn’t know her as well as I wanted to and I knew she needed me. I took a semester off in order to make contact with her again and cooled down my outside responsibilities because I wanted my family to be higher on my list of priorities. So we can do both.

JC: I think we need to point out to men that quite often the younger men is not focused on his direction. When he gets into his mid 40’s he’s going to throw a lot of junk away because he’s going to say “that’s a dumb thing, I wish I’d never started that”. If we can get them to focus in their mid 20’s then their not going to take on every job. i.e. working on doctoral program. If a professor says “I need someone to take on this project”, quite often a doctoral student will accept that project because politically it is an advantage for him. It may not be his interest, it may not be where he want to spend his time but he does it for a political end. If we can get people to focus away from their political ends and focus on their gifts & abilities and narrow, then they can take lesser amount of energy to accomplish without taking on the world.

SC: Some other things to help the woman get through it quicker – besides her husband being the right kind of guy. She too needs to look at her own gifts and abilities are. Yes, if she’s a mother right now & the children are still home, she’s got her priorities right in front of her. She too may have taken on an awful lot she doesn’t need, such as PTA, teaching or several things at church, to where she’s a fragmented person too. And she may be ready to throw it all over. Or she could be the other way to where she’s grown stale and doesn’t have any outside interests, kind of sogging away in front of the soaps every day. In any case, she needs to be evaluating what God intends for her to do with her time & abilities.

JD: Just as a husband has a responsibility to reserve some time effort & energy for his wife, no woman should depend on any man, including her husband, to meet her emotional needs. That was another very important milestone in my relationship with Shirley. No matter how loving I was, how attentive I was, how involved I was with the children, I was gone throughout the day and she needed more than that. And it was when she started to develop a ministry in the community, a whole network of friends and her conversation was not totally with me but with a lot of other people, then her world began to to open up. It’s a dual thing, staying alive emotionally.

SC: That’s right! Another thing you can be doing to help this time go smoother, is getting some guidance in helping her relationship with her children. They may be going through a traumatic time as teenagers, having their own identity & independence problems. If she can be understanding what they are going through so the relationship with them goes as smooth as possible, it will be helping her own time.

Aug 19, 2009

Paul Harvey Aurandt



I grew up listening to this man with my parents. One of those great childhood memories, his voice on the radio, that bring warm fuzzies. Good article I found on the Focus on the Family site - http://www.listen.family.org/miscdaily/A000002022.cfm

Paul Harvey Aurandt was likely the most overlooked and understudied Christian evangelist on earth. His sermons, offered in the form of entertaining vignettes, poignant commentaries, and a million subtle asides, were often as powerful, insightful, and effective as the words spoken from the pulpits of America's most acclaimed preachers. His faith was the foundation of his life.

Anyone who brought it up to him received the same response, typical of a man of his generation. Scoffing at the suggestion that he had pastoral aspirations, he would say in a dismissive tone, the pulpit "is a responsibility infinitely higher than any to which I would aspire!"1 Yet, formal distinctions notwithstanding, Harvey's on-air evangelistic fervor was unmistakable and undeniable.

During his last appearance on CNN's Larry King Live in 2003, a caller asked Harvey about a "religious" television program he supposedly hosted in the 1960's. They actually were misremembering his daily three-minute television commentary. "Oh, bless your heart," Harvey responded in his typical folksy manner. "You're the first person who ever considered it a religious program."2 Turning to King, Harvey noted that in those newscasts, he was only attempting "to separate rightness and wrongness" — not to proselytize and convert. Many in Harvey's audience heard Judeo-Christian themes in it. At times it was subtle, like when he would refer to the "basic ten" rules of life —rather than quoting chapter and verse from Exodus of the Old Testament.3 There were other times when he was more explicit. Each year right before Easter, Harvey would offer the "shortest sermon you'll hear all year" — "Jesus lived a good life in a wicked world to show us it could be done. And he died. And he rose again. To show us . . .we could do that too."4

To be sure, Paul Harvey liked to talk and write about God. His faith not only shaped and framed his thoughts, but it also defined his view of the world and everything in it, both past, present, and future. "I am no preacher," he said, "but I am a student of history and therein our professions overlap. This is history. Jesus was born in Bethlehem less than two thousand years ago. Anybody could have known he would be . . . through the prophets of Israel, God spelled it out. Where He'd be born, how He would live, and when He would die — on a cross against a Galilean sky."5

He believed in the authority and authenticity of the scriptures. "There is but one lamp by which my feet are guided and that is the map of experience," he said. "This history book is the experience of the world. This is the Master Plan."6

"Men may ignore this history book or reject it," he reflected thoughtfully. "Scorn it, burn it, crown it with thorns, nail it to a stick. But when they have done their worst it will still be there. Judging them, shaming them, haunting them, calling out to them — Believe."7

Paul Harvey's demanding broadcast and speaking schedule always kept his circle of good friends small, but during the 1960's and 1970's, the Harveys enjoyed some delightful vacations with Dr. Billy Graham and his wife, Ruth. In his 1997 autobiography, Just as I Am, Graham referred to Harvey as his "best friend in the American media."8 And he had many. "He has always been very supportive of us and often keeps his many listeners informed about our work," Dr. Graham continued. "We have been guests in his home many times, with his delightful wife, Angel."9

Celebrities are always in danger of losing perspective when they reach a certain level in their career — it's the point that they begin to believe the hype from their own press clippings. For the Harveys, the Grahams were a source of accountability and reason during their meteoric ascent in those early days of national radio. Both Billy and Ruth helped keep the rising stars grounded in reality. But the relationship went both ways. "I used to worry about Billy," Paul reflected, "When he started out, there was all that adulation. I was worried he might be tilted off balance by it. But then I met Ruth. Then I relaxed, knowing he had that strength on which to lean."10

Most of the time, they were just a fun-loving, down-to-earth pair of couples who enjoyed traveling, visiting, playing, and eating together. When Lynne and Ruth would shop, Paul and Billy would golf — and regale friends with stories of their exploits on the links. They made quite the pair, these two tall and dashing high profile men. Though they loved to play the game, both often joked about how bad they were at it. Paul used to quip that "golf [was] a game in which you yell 'fore,' shoot six and write down five."11 Graham used to explain away his poor play by saying, "I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course."12

During one particular vacation to the historic Greenbrier Resort in White Sulphur Springs, Virginia, the two men encountered a swarm of bugs while out on the course. "They were everywhere," Paul said, "and no matter how you batted at them with your hand, they'd still be there when you started to putt."13 Undeterred, the men played on. Paul described the scene. "The only thing that worked was to take the steel shaft of the club and arc it backward and forward at chest level. I don't know whether the reflected sunlight caused the insects some concern and made them disappear or not, but it sure worked the trick."14

Concerned about the appearance of such an alarming spectacle at the swanky resort, Harvey remembered confiding his embarrassment. "I remarked to Billy that the other folks on the course must have us classed as some sort of nuts, standing there flashing the golf clubs back and forth across our chests."15 In his classic dry drawl, Graham responded. "Oh no, they won't think that at all. They'll just say that those folks are down there with Billy Graham and he's already got them doing some sort of fanatical religious exercise."16

The Tulsan once remarked that the benefit of a clean vocabulary was that its owner would never have to worry about cursing in front of an open microphone. During a golf outing with Graham, Harvey remembered watching the great evangelist tee off, but only hit a dribbler fifty feet. "All the caddies waited to hear what kind of expletive he was going to utter," Paul said. "He turned and faced them and quoted the bible: 'That which the Lord hath decreed hath come to pass.' "17

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Footnotes

1. Marc Fisher, "Still Going," American Journalism Review, October 1998, p. 31.
2. Paul Harvey, "Interview with Larry King," CNN's Larry King Live! June 22, 2003.
3. Paul Harvey, "America Needs Spiritual Revival," Jefferson City-Post Tribune, June 13, 1968.
4. Paul Harvey, Remember These Things, 18.
5. Paul Harvey, Autumn of Liberty, 188.
6. Ibid., 191.
7. Ibid., 192.
8. Bill Graham, Just as I Am (CA: Harper San Francisco, 1997).
9. Ibid.
10. Ruth Graham was Husband's Anchor, But Shined on Her Own," The Asheville Citizen-Times, June 15, 2007, p. B4.
11. Paul Harvey, 1918-2009; "About the Game," Golfsilver.com, see: http://www.golfsilver.com/CRStage.cfm?Page=Ecom%20Shop&Active=Public&UID=OU812&Category=Golf%20Swing%20software&SubPass=False (Assessed March 22, 2009)
12. David Briggs, "Church Has Stiff Sunday Competition: The Grass is Greener on the Fairways," Constitution Tribune, May 12, 1994, p.2.
13. Bill Williams, "Paul Harvey Likes to 'Play Down the Middle,' " Gastonia Gazette, September 27, 1967, p.25.
14. Ibid.
15. Ibid.
16. Ibid.
17. Ibid.

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Excerpted from Good Day! The Paul Harvey Story. Copyright © 2009 by Paul Batura. Used by permission of Regnery Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior consent of the publisher.
 

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