From "No one's the Bitch"

Only something you can understand if you've done the time. A spot on article, "What divorced (biological) moms should know about step moms" -


1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.

Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.

Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.

They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.

2. It’s not about YOU.

A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”

The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.

She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.

Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.

3. Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.

Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.

It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.

In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.

4. When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive.

Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.

Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.

Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.

5. Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.

Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”

Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.

They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.

Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.

But they don’t.

This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.

Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.

6. A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing.

And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.

This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.

7. Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren.

There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human!

Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.

And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.

Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.

But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.

8. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.

Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.

Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.

They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.

I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.

Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?

Sure, just as some moms do.

But it’s important to grasp the implications of a bigger context here: being a stepmom is uniquely difficult and confusing. If you’re a mom, could you see yourself struggling in her shoes?

Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of each other, the mom/stepmom relationship will be one of championing the other, instead of automatic conflict.

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/2011/06/09/what-divorced-moms-should-know-about-stepmoms/

"The day I stopped saying "Hurry Up""

The difficult part about parenting is you have to get stuff done! We must conform! We must succeed! Meet not some, but all the demands.

And we think...we're going to have this cute little bouncing baby and just squirrel them away on our train ride.

Parenting is about - making changes to yourself. It's God's way of taking a situation that yes, does bring out our worst and then turning that hopefully, into the best US.

Typically by blessing us with a child or two that have complete opposite engines from our own.

We are all molded, shaped by our parents - then I was remolded by my own children. I am a better human for my love of them, that ignites the desire to be my best.

I was (and still am) the hurried parent. Honestly, in today's constantly connected, demanding society, I don't know how you can not be.

One day I realized, I'm missing it. Last night looking at a photo of my son, my eyes teared up, my throat threatened to close as I realize - he's there. Teenage change is coming. I don't have much time left and I need to make the most of every single day. Because he's my baby. My oldest baby is in college and he's the bottom of the ladder. The end to what I've done with my life.

I thought - okay, I need to slow down. Enjoy. Capture (click click click...) Every - Single - Moment.


I choke up reading the end of this story because I too have had motherly enlightenment, regret and have learned to swiftly - turned my butt around and get on the same page.

I have Noticers in my house. And they are amazingly inquisitive! I love watching their brains think and move! Little eyes seeing all, taking it in and turning it around.


The best line of this story is:

The truth hurts, but the truth heals … and brings me closer to the parent I want to be.

Absolute truth. Absolute healing. Absolute change. For them.



When you’re living a distracted life, every minute must be accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and multi-task, there’s never enough time in a day to ever catch up.

That was my life for two frantic years. My thoughts and actions were controlled by electronic notifications, ring tones, and jam-packed agendas. And although every fiber of my inner drill sergeant wanted to be on time to every activity on my overcommitted schedule, I wasn’t.

You see, six years ago I was blessed with a laid-back, carefree, stop-and-smell-the roses type of child.

When I needed to be out the door, she was taking her sweet time picking out a purse and a glittery crown.

When I needed to be somewhere five minutes ago, she insisted on buckling her stuffed animal into a car seat.

When I needed to grab a quick lunch at Subway, she’d stop to speak to the elderly woman who looked like her grandma.

When I had thirty minutes to get in a run, she wanted me to stop the stroller and pet every dog we passed.

When I had a full agenda that started at 6 a.m., she asked to crack the eggs and stir them ever so gently.

My carefree child was a gift to my Type A, task-driven nature—but I didn’t see it. Oh no, when you live life distracted, you have tunnel vision—only looking ahead to what’s next on the agenda. And anything that cannot be checked off the list is a waste of time.

Whenever my child caused me to deviate from my master schedule, I thought to myself, “We don’t have time for this.” Consequently, the two words I most commonly spoke to my little lover of life were: “Hurry up.”

I started my sentences with it.
Hurry up, we’re gonna be late.

I ended sentences with it.
We’re going to miss everything if you don’t hurry up.

I started my day with it.
Hurry up and eat your breakfast.
Hurry up and get dressed.

I ended my day with it.
Hurry up and brush your teeth.
Hurry up and get in bed.

And although the words “hurry up” did little if nothing to increase my child’s speed, I said them anyway. Maybe even more than the words, “I love you.”

The truth hurts, but the truth heals … and brings me closer to the parent I want to be.

Then one fateful day, things changed. We’d just picked my older daughter up from kindergarten and were getting out of the car. Not going fast enough for her liking, my older daughter said to her little sister, “You are so slow.” And when she crossed her arms and let out an exasperated sigh, I saw myself—and it was a gut-wrenching sight.

I was a bully who pushed and pressured and hurried a small child who simply wanted to enjoy life.

My eyes were opened; I saw with clarity the damage my hurried existence was doing to both of my children.

Although my voice trembled, I looked into my small child’s eyes and said, “I am so sorry I have been making you hurry. I love that you take your time, and I want to be more like you.”

Both my daughters looked equally surprised by my painful admission, but my younger daughter’s face held the unmistakable glow of validation and acceptance.

“I promise to be more patient from now on,” I said as I hugged my curly-haired child who was now beaming at her mother’s newfound promise.

It was pretty easy to banish “hurry up” from my vocabulary. What was not so easy was acquiring the patience to wait on my leisurely child. To help us both, I began giving her a little more time to prepare if we had to go somewhere. And sometimes, even then, we were still late. Those were the times I assured myself that I will be late only for a few years, if that, while she is young.

When my daughter and I took walks or went to the store, I allowed her to set the pace. And when she stopped to admire something, I would push thoughts of my agenda out of my head and simply observe her. I witnessed expressions on her face that I’d never seen before. I studied dimples on her hands and the way her eyes crinkled up when she smiled. I saw the way other people responded to her stopping to take time to talk to them. I saw the way she spotted the interesting bugs and pretty flowers. She was a Noticer, and I quickly learned that The Noticers of the world are rare and beautiful gifts. That’s when I finally realized she was a gift to my frenzied soul.

My promise to slow down was made almost three years ago, at the same time I began my journey to let go of daily distraction and grasp what matters in life. Living at a slower pace still takes a concerted effort. But my younger daughter is my living reminder of why I must keep trying. In fact, the other day, she reminded me once again.

The two of us had taken a bike ride to a sno-cone shack while on vacation. After purchasing a cool treat for my daughter, she sat down at a picnic table delightedly admiring the icy tower she held in her hand.

Suddenly a look of worry came across her face. “Do I have to rush, Mama?”

I could have cried. Perhaps the scars of a hurried life don’t ever completely disappear, I thought sadly.

As my child looked up at me waiting to know if she could take her time, I knew I had a choice. I could sit there in sorrow thinking about the number of times I rushed my child through life … or I could celebrate the fact that today I’m trying to do thing differently.

I chose to live in today.

“You don’t have to rush. Just take your time,” I said gently. Her whole face instantly brightened and her shoulders relaxed.

And so we sat side-by-side talking about things that ukulele-playing-6-ye​ar-olds talk about. There were even moments when we sat in silence just smiling at each other and admiring the sights and sounds around us.

I thought my child was going to eat the whole darn thing—but when she got to the last bite, she held out a spoonful of ice crystals and sweet juice for me. “I saved the last bite for you, Mama,” my daughter said proudly.

As I let the icy goodness quench my thirst, I realized I just got the deal of a lifetime.

I gave my child a little time … and in return, she gave me her last bite and reminded me that things taste sweeter and love comes easier when you stop rushing through life.

Whether it’s …

Sno-cone eating

Flower picking

Seatbelt buckling

Egg cracking

Seashell finding

Ladybug watching

Sidewalk strolling

I will not say, “We don’t have time for this.” Because that is basically saying, “We don’t have time to live.”

Pausing to delight in the simple joys of everyday life is the only way to truly live.

(Trust me, I learned from the world’s leading expert on joyful living.)




http://www.handsfreemama.com/

Song for the week

I love my kids music. The light that speaks directly into my soul.

Can you lift me up, turn the ashes into flames?
Because I have overcome,
More than words will ever say.

And I've been given hope,
That there's a light up the hall.

What's Integrity?

Today we are surrounded by a new mentality - everyone's good. The generation I developed from, everyone was not good. There was something in our character that always needed improvement. A long life struggle to "become" whatever it was that someone else determined you were to become. But today, the message is that everyone is okay, regardless of their decisions, choices or behaviors. Because there no longer is "good" or "bad". Well, that's not entirely true. Because we all still want to be "good" at whatever it is we choose to do or become. But there is no "bad". Whatever is done, we "tried hard". Gave it our best shot. And that's good.

Integrity - doing what's right even when no one is looking. Doing the right thing, even when you could choose an easier (not wrong...) option, which may benefit yourself but not the others involved. Whatever "fits you". Integrity - an admirable trait that builds trust, fellowship, loyalty between relationships, whether that is employment, friendship, marriage, family - is just plain decent. We no longer hear mentors or leaders in society talk about the importance and meaning of integrity. In order to discuss it, they might have to use the word - bad, wrong, incorrect, poor. And that would not be good.


What Strengthens and Weakens Our Integrity – Part II: Closing the Gap Between Our Actions and Their Consequences

In the first post of this four-part series on what weakens our integrity and how we can strengthen it, we discussed how our decisions to act in dishonest ways are influenced by two factors: 1) wanting to get a reward – often financial/material, but also things like pleasure or fame, and 2) wanting to be able to continue to see ourselves as good people. As psychology professor Dan Ariely puts it: “Essentially, we cheat up to the level that allows us to retain our self-image as reasonably honest individuals.”

How we decide to balance these conflicting motivations comes down to our willingness to rationalize our unethical and selfish behavior as really not so bad. The more you’re able to justify your immoral actions, the grayer the line between what you deem right and wrong gets, and the wider your “fudge factor” margin – how much immoral behavior you can commit without feeling guilty – becomes.

Last time, we talked about how taking just a small first step down a dishonest path can set off a cycle of rationalization and further dishonest behavior, which can lead you away from your principles and into more serious misdeeds. But what factors come into play when you do take that first step? Further, what keeps you going down that shady path once you do?

Today we will explore one of the most salient factors that increase our ability to rationalize a dishonest act, and how we can combat this force in order to maintain our integrity.


The Distance Between the Deed and the Consequence

One of these significant influences is the psychological distance between the act and its consequences. The more steps removed we are from how an immoral decision affects others and from having to think about the reality of what we’re doing, the easier it is to make the choice without feeling bad about it.

Ariely conducted several experiments that vividly illustrate this principle at work.

First he conducted a non-scientific experiment in several dormitories on a college campus. In the communal refrigerators of some of the dorms, he placed a six-pack of Coke. In other dorm fridges, he left a plate with six $1 bills on it. The Cokes and dollars were nearly equivalent in value, yet within 72 hours, all of the sodas had disappeared but none of the dollar bills had been touched. The students could have easily grabbed a buck and then used it to get a Coke at a nearby machine. But they didn’t. Why? Because taking a dollar – money in its raw form – feels like stealing, while taking a Coke – a step removed from the money – feels more okay. Ariely compares this to the way many people wouldn’t think twice about taking a ream of paper from work, but wouldn’t dream of grabbing $3.50 from the office’s petty cash box.

After this casual experiment, Ariely wanted to see if the same thing would happen in a more controlled environment. So he returned to the matrix test we discussed last time. If you remember, that test asked participants to solve as many mathematical matrices as possible in five minutes and paid them per correct answer. In the condition that allowed for cheating, the participants checked their own answers, shredded their worksheets at the back of the room, and then told the experimenter how many answers they had gotten correct in order to collect the promised cash payout (since the experimenter had not checked the worksheet themselves, the participant could claim to have solved as many matrices as they wanted). This time around, Ariely mixed things up by having the experimenter first give the participants plastic tokens instead of money, which they then redeemed for cash in the next room over. What happened when this small step was placed between the opportunity to lie and getting the money directly? Participants cheated by twice as much.

In another study, Ariely polled hundreds of golfers and had them imagine a situation where moving the ball (which is against the rules of the game) would offer an advantage. He asked them to predict how often the average golfer would move the ball by either 1) tapping it with his club, 2) kicking it with his foot, or 3) picking it up with his hand. The survey respondents thought the average golfer would use his club more than twice as often as his hand (with the foot falling in the middle). Even though the manner in which the ball is moved has no bearing on whether or not it constitutes cheating, tapping it with your club feels less dishonest, because you’re not making direct contact with it – you’re separated from what you’re really doing. It’s easier for the golfer to tell himself that it just kind of inadvertently happened, allowing him to chalk the act up as no big deal and keep on feeling like an honest guy. In contrast, Ariely writes, if the golfer were to grab the ball directly with his hand, there would be “no way to ignore the purposefulness and intentionality of the act.”


How to Counteract the Distance and Strengthen Your Integrity

The greater the psychological distance between our dishonest actions and their consequences, the easier those actions become to rationalize as morally and ethically acceptable. And the more our ability to rationalize increases, the more our fudge factor margin widens. Thus in order to strengthen and preserve our integrity, it’s important to remove the steps – if only in our minds – between our actions and the reality of what we’re doing and how it affects others.

This can be a tricky problem, because we’re counteracting a psychological issue. We first have to influence our mind to see the importance of what is going on. If we don’t mentally frame our disingenuous deeds as being in the wrong in the first place, we cannot work to remove them from our lives. Instead of letting ourselves ignore the problem (don’t let the left hand know what the right is doing!) we must work to consciously create more awareness of the consequences of our behavior.

Cultivating this awareness really comes down to cognitively stripping away the layers between something and its value or effect on other people. So for example, if you’re about to take some printer ink from work, imagine yourself instead taking $30 from your boss’ desk drawer. If you can’t see yourself pilfering the cash, realize that swiping the ink is really no different.

Here’s another example: say you get paid $15 an hour to do your job, but you spend an hour at work goofing off. You’ve essentially stolen $15 from your employer. Of course surfing the web doesn’t feel anything like stealing, but it’s really no different than pocketing a $15 item while shopping and not paying for it.

Another effective element to add to this kind of mental exercise is to imagine the person your action would most affect (or perhaps a loved one or someone who looks up to you) standing by you as you did it. Would you still take the ink or sneak in a nap if your boss was right there beside you? The need to hide something is a sure sign of its questionable morality. As it is often said, integrity is what you will do when no one is watching.

Of course, tracing your actions back to who they would most affect can be difficult if you’re working for a giant, faceless corporation. In such cases, dishonesty and rationalization become infinitely easier, because the gap between your actions and any consequences can seem wide and the effect of them small. Yet the essence of integrity is that an action is wrong regardless of its magnitude – stealing ten dollars from a rich man isn’t more okay than stealing ten dollars from a poor man. It doesn’t matter that the former wouldn’t “feel” it like the latter. Stealing is stealing.

It can also be much easier to make excuses for your dishonest behavior if you don’t like your job or the person that you’re dealing with. In another experiment Ariely conducted, people were overpaid $4 by either a neutral experimenter (the control condition) or one who was rude to them while giving the payout. In the control condition, 45% of people gave back the extra change (pretty sobering that more than half of people kept it). But only 14% of those who dealt with the rude experimenter gave the money back. For them, keeping the extra change could be justified as comeuppance for the experimenter’s behavior – they rationalized that he didn’t deserve the money back and/or it compensated them for being treated badly. You can see this kind of thinking acted out by someone who steals from work because they don’t feel they are paid enough. Or perhaps your ex-girlfriend has been a complete jerk to you during a break-up, so when she asks if a favorite necklace is still at your place, you lie and say you haven’t seen it. Or maybe you cheat on your wife because you feel she’s overly frigid and doesn’t have sex with you enough. It’s easy to justify a dishonest act when you feel owed something or when you feel you’ve been wronged. You can rationalize that you’re just balancing out the scale, but do two wrongs make a right?

One realm where we must be especially vigilant about increasing our awareness of our actions is online. Cyberspace can make everything we do feel truly nebulous and abstract. Communicating with friends, and even more so with anonymous strangers puts a whole lot of distance between our behavior and its real effects; we often forget there’s an actual human being sitting behind the screen you’re typing to. So here again it helps to imagine doing what you’re doing online in a more direct way. Would your ability to justify your online behavior evaporate if you did the same thing in the real world? Flirting with someone other than your wife might feel okay when you’re chatting via instant message…but how does it feel to imagine saying the same things to a stranger at a bar? What if your wife was standing right there? Hurling vitriol and scathing insults at someone on an internet forum might feel harmless, but can you imagine saying the same things to the person’s face? Saying things online that you would never say in-person constitutes a failure of the wholeness and consistency required of a man of integrity.


Conclusion

We must always remember that we’re all experts in creating rationalizations for dishonest behavior when that behavior serves our own interests. And the greater the distance there is between an immoral act and its consequences, the easier these rationalizations become to generate. We’re so adept at cloaking our dishonest deeds in the disguise of acceptability that we may not even recognize them for what they are ourselves, and will sometimes fight tooth and nail to defend our justifications.

Thus living with integrity requires frank and sincere self-examination and self-awareness. What are your true motivations and intentions? What are the consequences of your actions and whom will they affect? Strengthening your mental game and building this kind of awareness isn’t easy. It involves tuning into that little nagging voice in your mind that says, “Hold on a minute, this isn’t quite right.” Instead of ignoring it, write down what that voice says in a pocket notebook. Maybe seeing it in words makes it more real and shortens that distance between action and consequence. Or consider partnering up with a friend or significant other who you can send a text to when you feel that twinge of guilt coming on about something. To voice it to another person certainly makes it more real.

Winning the mental battle is the first step in being a man with great integrity. You haven’t won yet, and probably never will completely, but you make progress by not letting the smallest misdeed be rationalized away.

“The thought manifests the word;
The word manifests the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its ways with care.”

-Juan Mascaro

Do you have any mind hacks you use to shorten that psychological distance when there are layers between actions and consequences?

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/08/07/what-strengthens-and-weakens-our-integrity-part-ii-closing-the-gap-between-our-actions-and-their-consquences/

Ryan's afternoon playlist...

I have cool kids indeed.

Desperation Song - Carbon Leaf - excellent LIVE performance





One of his new favorites - gotta let him roll...

Back in Black - AC/DC








FOLLOWED BY ONE OF THE BEST BANDS EVER - NEWSBOYS. CELEBRATING - GOD.

This week was a little difficult.  I had to wade through soul leveling pain that I had left behind a long time ago.  I will be honest and say I haven't exactly been immersing myself in God's arms.  So I'm not sure why He chose this week to reach out and talk to me, face to face but His timing is perfect.  In the midst of the storm, my soul has been calmed.  Forgiveness has poured through me, in receiving and giving.

In the midst of trying to wade through emotional upheaval, listening to Pandora, Matthew West's "Hello my name is..." played.  I hadn't heard it before.  Suddenly, the fog lifted and God was succint with the crystal clear truth.

This morning, I was at Barnes & Noble with my son and as we sat and he perused the Lego Bible (chuckle), I spied the book "The Story" and picked it up.  Shuffled through it.  Interesting.  Returned home to my husband handing me "The Story" DVD & CD from the library.  Timing, as always, interesting.

I tossed the DVD in, which the DVD player replied by choking & distorting the picture making it difficult to see but I got the general gist.  We watched a few minutes, my husband asked me to take a walk & we set out.  I returned home, planning to remove the DVD & send it back.  But it started playing, screen clear and I thought - one more minute.  The song below started.  The first words "I am not my family tree" -  I sat up & paid attention.  He spoke with tremendous power, truth into my life, validating who I am, my choices, my message to my own children.

I am always humbled and my spirit bends when He chooses to reveal His presence. Especially when I've been thumbing my nose at religion and faith.  The world violates even the most sacred and it is difficult at times to keep a hand on the Father, with humanities perception of God.

I love the message and yes, these are most definitely different leaves.


I am not my family tree
These are different leaves, you know
There are miles and miles between
My roots and what I’m trying to grow

I am not the slave they sold
Nor am I royalty
I’ve worn them both, the finest coat
And rags that barely cover me.

But there’s mercy in the soil
Mercy in the sun
Learning to forgive
What cannot be undone

And what was meant to harm
Can’t harm you in the end
Stepped out on a limb I thought might break
But Love said, it will only bend
It will only bend.

I am not my past mistakes
Labeled by some place and time
Nor am I trophy case
Trying to maintain my shine

I have dreamed a thousand dreams
Watched a grain in famine, grow.
I am not my family tree
I have branches of my own

Oh, does fate resign us to
Find shelter for our wounds
Beneath the battered roof of broken dreams?

Oh, but I will choose to stand
In the shadow of Your hand
And see what grows when Grace has sown the seed 

These are different leaves you know.



But there’s mercy in the soil
Mercy in the sun
Learning to forgive
What cannot be undone
 
And what was meant to harm
Can’t harm you in the end
Stepped out on a limb I thought might break
But Love said, it will only bend.

Letting Go

You know it’s coming. You’re holding their hand and one day...they walk on, their hand slips from yours and you are suppose to - wait for it - 

STOP. 

No, parent.  You are not suppose to chase after them. You are not suppose to yell for them to wait up. You are suppose to quietly, stop.  So your child might be, let’s say - pick a random number.  Mmmm, 17.  No really.  SEVENTEEN.  And you know it’s coming. You’re ready. Okay. Okay. When? 

No. Not yet. 

What’s coming?  You know what's coming.  You've been shielding her from it for 17 years.  But you know - IT has to happen.  Life.  Outside the protective arms of a parent.  Up to this point, you’ve been able to oversee and keep all of it away. Sitting in your cushy little place in parenting. Control. But now, well now - it’s really time to let go.  You're ready. Here we go.

When? Now?  
Oh you mean, Now? 
Wait - Now?

The kid is dragging you along.  Do you see yourself?  You are like a toddler who doesn’t want to stop the playdate and your mom is dragging you by one arm as you lift up your legs and scream NO, I want to stay here! all the way across the playground to the car. Your kid looks at you first with teenage attitude - the eye of understanding and compassion hidden inside somewhere. But now, they are just a tiny bit disgusted. With you. And rightly so.  You’ve been screaming too long. You should have hopped off the merry go round quite a while back.

Yes. Now.  It's time.

I Love You

I dislike the phrase "I Love You'.

I am an action person. Prove it person.  See it person.  Not so much a faith overriding the proof person.  So if the actions, counter the words, I hear the action. Seems simple enough to me. Too many humans use "I Love You" to wipe away what they've done. Child predators tell their victims "I Love You". Abusive adults tell their children, their spouses "I Love You".  Cheaters tell their victims "I Love You".  I even once blurped out "Love You" on the phone to my ex husband, standing next to my current husband.  Entertainers, accepting their awards state "I Love You All!"   Really?  No.  It's a term that has come to have little meaning & used mindlessly or for selfish motives.

Which is why one of my all time favorite songs is "More Than Words" by Extreme.  What a message by a Rock Band. I Love Them.

Boys are - boys.

Matt told me a story he heard on John Curley last night about a teenage boy who shot & killed his mom and sister. Something to do with being talked to rudely and treated badly. I am not condoning the killing one iota but it made me sad & reflect on our own household interactions of of all girls and one boy & my interaction in classrooms, watching the male/female structure. 

 I am a female, obviously - yet instead of siding with the female wiles & ways, I have repeatedly been angered by girls in general are snotty, rude and catty to boys. We treat them like they are stupid from a very young age & females act superior. This is not very smart in adolescence when a boy is attempting to become a man and doesn't want to put up with your vile tongue any longer. You might just get punched. But what happens? The girls are not disciplined for their rudeness and snide comments. They are considered cute & assertive! No, the boy is punished for his natural physical aggression. 

Girls rule the day, the classroom, the home and boys are constantly, for years on end, subjected to nastiness, hurt by verbal lashing and then punished for pushing back. And us women, teachers in the classroom, lead this behavior - by our own personal example sometimes - or the constant unspoken expectation that boys will be more like girls. But we want strong men? How's that working for us?

The rights of the Offended

I've noticed discussion re:the problem of non accountability in our youth & making them feel good (everyone gets a trophy, don't deliver flowers to students in the schools on someones birthday because everyone else might have their feelings hurt) - and the growing loss of fostering hard work & growth. We've gone a  little overboard.

It occurred to me yesterday we are fertilizing this in spades amongst adults.  For example, the idea of forgiveness is not connected with any responsibility of the offender. The onus is on the victim to forgive but not on the offender to make restitution.  Everyone is inherently "good".  Really?  We are inherently selfish creatures.

I realized the church is a perpetrator of this growing problem.  i.e. spouse forgive injury or indiscretion because Christ shows you mercy. Children forgive abuse because Christ forgave you. Business owner forgive your employees theft, because what more has Christ done for you by giving you his life?

Ever read the Bible & God's punishment for non compliance?  Yea, it's called death.  And HELL.  Sugar coating it with absolute Grace, mixed with no accountability is not going to prepare people for the purported Biblical consequence of it all.  For those that speak out the Grace afforded by Jesus and the New Testament, Revelations is in the New Testament.  Consequence.

This is not only a church, but a societal problem - Americans have become coddlers in our easy way of life.  If we were still tilling the ground with blood sweat & tears, leaning on each other & community to survive, we wouldn't be coddling grown adults.  We'd smack 'em & say "grow up, get over yourself, be responsible" because we're all going to die if you don't do your part.  Alcoholics Anonymous or now known as AA, I do believe is a good institution but I also consider the enabling aspects of "don't hate the addict, hate the act".  At what point is the expectation for the addict to stop and restore what they've broken?

The victims are asked to forgive, don't hold a grudge. Grudges only hurt the victim. No death penalty for an evil offense (oops! Don't call them evil, that's not "nice").  Instead society carries the financial weight of the offense forever, until money runs out & we put them back on the streets.

NO!  It feels good, which is okay, when someone suffers a consequence of their poor choice.  If you in cold blood murder my loved one, I stand for seeing your life ended.  It's just punishment.  And a grudge sometimes is the natural human consequence to the offenders behavior.  Sometimes making sure that person pays for what they've done, should be the outcome and IS acceptable.  Our society has given power & rights to the criminals, the offenders, the cheaters, the liars, the users - in this feel "good" turn we've taken.

Just perhaps, our society would have less dependent, self centered, non producing civilians if we stopped coddling and expected a little bit more personal integrity & accountability.


So if it's your birthday, I don't expect to receive flowers.  If you work hard and buy my dream car, I don't expect to have one delivered to my driveway too.  If your house is bigger, better than mine, I suspect you probably somehow earned it - or luck was on your side.  And if I hurt you, I expect that you might be angry for a long time.  That's YOUR right as the offended.

2 AM Ponder - (why do writers write at 2am?)

And at 2:13 am, the writer writes:

Locked inside my mind, outside people pushing me to perform. Mouths frothing at commands to keep up with the new norm. 
House, car, cell phone, pad - clothes, laptop, facebook stats. 
All up to date with the new, is supposed to somehow give me, to others, value. 
Instead, insomnia awaits - holding hands with anxiety and depression at the gate. 

Standing alone, in the silence of the night, quiet meets my mind as it peers at my plight. 
Value, beyond the grasp, of all the things in the morning that call me to task.
The world spins on, long after our time. And upon our weariness, others do climb. 
So I ponder you reader, to look at your life. Discover the old new, beyond the world's current strife. 
The ragged, the weary, the way things are, can beat the strength out of our human heart. 
Find your joy and show us the way, back to the roots of a simpler and fulfilled day.

  Rebecca Mullinnix 9/1/12

Neuron energy, unite!

One of the concepts I work on (perhaps this comes from my upbringing, I'm not sure..) is not encouraging my children to allow me to figure it out for them. We have 5 and I find, especially for some reason, our daughters want to ask us the most basic question that they surely can figure out themselves if they apply a little bit of neuron energy. This extends to the inability to pick up something they are sitting by in the living room, or the inability to remember to pick up after themselves but they can remember whatever playdate or invitation or party function coming up. So I began to say "what if I wasn't here, what would you do? Pretend I'm not standing in the room and you need to answer this question yourself" or "You want to go where? Well perhaps you should take a look in your room and come tell me the answer". I went to a women's conference years year years ago and this gal had a great story about being a single mom & exhausted after working all day to return home to her teenagers constant request to go out with friends, but her room wasn't cleaned, etc. She would nag, argue, etc. Finally she just set the rules in the house, if this was done, then the answer was YES! So the kids could answer their own question, the responsibility was on themselves so when they asked for a privilege she would say "I think you can answer your own question" or "you tell me what the answer is" and they would have to evaluate if they'd picked up the toys. I haven't quite perfected that but it helps me a lot to remember that story and prompts a change at times in my own reaction. Sometimes I feel guilty at "expecting too much" out of the kids and I remember the story of one speaker who decided she was sick of her kids taking advantage, not helping out and she came home, plopped herself on the couch and opened a magazine. The kids of course started saying "mom, we're hungry, when are you going to make dinner?" and were perplexed when she didn't. She calmly explained to them that when they completed their part of living in the house (cleaning up), she'd complete hers. Of course, these are issues dealing with older children who need to start being more responsible but I don't think it's too early to teach self sufficiency and team building as part of a family. Our oldest just graduated, our 2nd next year and 3 more to follow so I'll let you know when we're done in 8 years how we did, haha! ;))

A look beyond

Last night while staring at graduation cards, my eyes alighted on one that said "Son, on your Graduation". It was an unexpected reaction, immediately choked up, tears in my eyes. I guess I thought of Ryan graduating. Which is ridiculous because he just turned 11. We drove home, talking about Kayla turning 18, graduating and I shared the experience. I say I think it's because everything I am, I do - is for my children. They are the reason for life. They are what drives me to be better, what gets me out of bed some days. What keeps me going. I can't imagine my life without them, as they move on to their own lives - not that I don't want them to move on but just the simple recognition that they won't be... - HERE. I miss them already and feel a bit silly recognizing that. Tears stream down my cheeks at this sudden emotional spillage. They bring me joy, some pain, cause me to grow (up), to laugh. It's difficult to look beyond that and see what I will be without what has been my entire life. At 18 I met their dad, we settled into our life, I always knew I wanted to be a mom - and not just any mom - but the best mom ever. We had to work hard to have our first and the second was a surprise so I remind myself to enjoy the experience, even when it's very tough & grueling. I have begun to feel excitement as McKenna approaches her own graduation next year, for her to begin her own life. Perhaps because I'm moving through the motions of letting go and feel wonder at the awesome person she is and the life experiences she has to look forward to. But I am not even close to that part of acceptance with Ryan and with him being "the end", I'm curious to see if I move through it the same as I have with McKenna. Perhaps it will be easier then - right now we are still in that wonderful place where he loves me, thinks I'm great and wants to snuggle every night before sleep. Perhaps as we move into the "I hate you, you are a moron" teenage season, I'll move through the letting go place. Regardless, it is inevitable. And I will always, always be one of those parents and grandparents, on the sidelines, cheering my kids and their kids on through life. They will always be secure in the fact that I absolutely adore them, that I am dependable, that I am present. I may be actually annoying sometimes, with my 5th wheel parked outside their home - while I try to find the balance of not enabling and not being disconnected. Not meddling and not disregarding. Being ever present, loving and cherishing the most precious gifts God chose to bestow upon my quick existence.

Who Will, Men of Courage?

Who will teach my son to follow Christ?
Who will accept the responsibility of providing for my family?
Who will ask God to break the chains of destructive patterns in my families history?
Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?

I am their Father - I will!

I accept this responsibility and it is my privilege to embrace it.
I want the favor of God and His Blessing on my home. Any good man does.

So - where are you - Men of Courage?
Where are you Fathers who fear The Lord?

It's time to rise up and answer the Call that God has given to you!

And say I WILL! I WILL! I WILL!

Sometimes Busyness Can Wait - 105.3 Tom

"While framing photos of my daughters for our “memory hallway,” both girls were at my feet, inviting me to read books with them on the floor.

Funny how I put pictures in frames, so as to save memories, when the connection my heart is longing to find is in plain sight. Sometimes such opportunities appear like inconveniences because they come at the expense of “productivity.” But when I bend down, wrap my daughters in my arms, smell their hair, kiss their temples and tell them how much their young lives bring me joy, my inevitable reward is the tender look of trust and safety in their eyes. I think the pictures and the laundry can wait."

Tom of Tom & Sarah - 105.3 Spirit

The Porch

Imagine – a world without a basket of flowers hanging on the porch.
A world without beauty, only dead where the sun has scorched.

Imagine – a soul without a light shining through.
Dry as the water evaporated from the desert’s morning dew.

I have seen that place and never wish to return,
to the endless wanderings of a soul that’s been burned.

My Father, He guides me on a new winding road
And carries me through the burdens of my load.

I’ve found the beauty of the basket on the porch
And tasted the mountain dew that healed where the sun scorched.

Sweet is the water that pours from the grave,
That opened for Jesus so MY soul He could save.

So worthy am I, not fit for this world,
Yet He loves me so deeply, He let the truth be told.

My eyes have been opened and my soul knows the light,
I could never return to the rubble of my previous life.

I bid you to come and take up my hand,
Walk with me and our Lord and dance in the Promised Land.

Many are waiting for you and me to come,
To join the army of The Only and the home of The One.

RebeccaFM/RamFMTalk 6/5/2003

What's Up Pussycat?

Wow. Hearing a lot in the news about the government & the presidents intent to step in and attempting to force what appears to be Christianity based religions to go against their beliefs and values of their faith. We don't force other religions to go against their value systems when we don't agree with how they operate. Why Christianity? Once we allow the government to get it's foot in the door on that level, we should be very very worried. Making dropping out of high school illegal. Government control. Always under the guise of what's best for our country and "freedom", which ultimately lead to control & desensitization of a nation & the next generation, to allow a certain group to be wiped out and a country to be under one control. It takes time to put the steps into place. Hitler was very very patient and it was only the older generations that understood what he was up to.

"Bloggers Beware" $2.5 Mil Libel Suit

"Bloggers Beware’

That was the headline on a conservative blog following a $2.5 million judgment this month against blogger Crystal Cox in a defamation case tried in federal court in Oregon. It’s a case followed closely in both the blogosphere and in the traditional media, as it highlights the proliferation of blogging, the blurring of lines between journalists and bloggers and more libel cases born out of blog posts.

“There are a lot of malicious people out there,” says Bruce Johnson, a Seattle attorney with Davis Wright Tremaine and author of Washington state’s current Shield Law. “You’re not going to be able to get rid of them all. They will continue to basically write graffiti on the bathroom wall, and in this case, the Internet provides the bathroom wall,” says Johnson.

According to the Media Law Resource Center, bloggers have been hit with $47 million in defamation judgments. Just two years ago the total stood at $17 million, revealing a sharp increase. MLRC’s Dave Heller sees a rise in ‘fringe publishers’ and says the case against Cox was, in some ways, "extremely rare."

Crystal Cox calls herself an investigative blogger who is also a journalist. The Montana real estate agent wrote extensively about the bankruptcy case of Summit Accommodations. Kevin Padrick, an Oregon attorney with Obsidian Finance Group, was appointed trustee in charge of paying Summit creditors. Cox accused Padrick of, among other things, committing tax fraud.

Padrick sued and won a unanimous jury verdict.

According to published reports, there is no evidence Padrick did anything improper. Cox tried to invoke the Shield Law, which allows journalists to protect confidential sources, but Judge Marco Hernandez ruled Cox was not a journalist and therefore not entitled to the protections. He wrote, "there is no evidence of any education in journalism, any credentials or proof of any affiliation with any recognized news entity or proof of adherence to journalistic standards such as editing, fact-checking or disclosures of conflicts of interest."

Dave Heller says what’s remarkable about the Cox case is the court reverted to common law libel standards, meaning she had no defense except to prove what she had written about Padrick was true. Bruce Johnson believes Washington state’s Shield Law would have afforded Cox some protections because it is technology neutral. “I think it’s moving gradually toward more blogging being protected,” says Johnson.

Many bloggers, initially shocked by the size of the judgment against Cox, have since distanced themselves from her. David Goldstein, who founded the liberal Seattle blog "Horse’s Ass," says as more mainstream media reporters and anchors blog, the lines are getting blurred, but getting it right is vital no matter what your medium. “Just like anybody can claim to be a journalist, anybody can claim to be a blogger,” says Goldstein, “And if you look at the court records, she really appeared to be neither.”

Crystal Cox did not respond to our emails and phone calls seeking comment. It appears, however, she plans to continue to fight. She represented herself in the defamation suit, but now has legal help from UCLA Law School and blogger Eugene Volokh. He has taken the case pro bono in hopes of getting the decision reversed. Volokh has written about the First Amendment’s protection of the press, arguing it’s not solely intended for the media as an institution, but anyone doing the work of journalism.

Goldstein agrees, but accuses Cox of harassing Kevin Padrick and getting her facts wrong. “We’re in the business of criticizing people,” says Goldstein, That’s what journalists, that’s what bloggers do. So we have an obligation to be at least accurate with that criticism.”

Kevin Padrick says the issue is much bigger than whether or not Crystal Cox was acting as a journalist or not. “False allegations can be made against somebody,” Padrick says, “and they will have to live with those false allegations for the rest of their lives.”

Since the attacks against him hit the Internet, Padrick says his business is way down. He partially blames the easy manipulation of the search engines to keep even false content front and center.

Crystal Cox has hundreds of web sites and by linking the content it gives the appearance of multiple sources. Google Padrick’s name and up comes dozens of Cox’s blog postings.

“Through search engines, we are allowing bloggers to have a power that is disproportionate,” says Padrick, “and yet with that power has to come the responsibility.”

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/12/22/bloggers-not-journalists/

May my daughter remember my determination this way

"I grew up in NYC alone with my mom. She was a single parent and while life wasn't always easy, it sure was fun. Even as a child, I understood that, financially, we were living on the edge. but somehow we always got by. My mom was determined to give me a well-rounded childhood-n matter what it cost.

She could have chosen to live in a less expensive neighborhood but she was never one to compromise. We lived on Central Park West, went to Broadway shows and dined at the city's best restaurants. I went to private school and summer camp, took ballet and piano lessons, and learned to ski in Vermont on weekends.

My childhood sounds like on grounded in privilege but that’s only one side of it. My dad was gone, leaving us with no money when I was very young. My mom was strong, beautiful and artistic and an uncanny ability to convince people that she could do almost anything. She used all these qualities to supplement her meager financial resources and combined, they magically arrived us through life one day at a time. I don’t remember ever hearing her say the word "can't".

My first memories of Mom in the working world were formed by earing her tell stories of being a model. She was one of those women who made heads turn every time she entered a room and for 10 years she posed for advertising, runway shows and department stores. I never learned precisely why her modeling career ended but I remember hearing vague stories about lecherous photographers and creeps who couldn’t keep their hands off her.

So she eased herself into another career and soon our apartment was filled with paintings and art supplies. There were easels in every room, some for paper and charcoal drawing and others for canvas & oils. Shed often paint all day and well into the night; I still remember her - brush in hand, working as she watched Johnny Carson until the wee hours of the morning. To this day I have no idea where she sold all of her artwork, but she found a market somewhere. She produced a prodigious amount of art that was apparently good enough that she sold all of it, earning enough money to pay the rent and my private school tuition.

When I was 8 years old my mother decided to spread her wings even farther and using her artistic talents, became an interior decorator as well as a landlord. I became her willing assistant. It was my first encounter with entrepreneurship. My mother had saved just enough money to rent an unfurnished, unoccupied apartment on east 56th Street, where we spend weekends painting walls and drawing floor plans. I would measure and she would draw.

Once the apartment was painted & my mothers decorating plans competed, we'd it the auctions. Mom read the paper to see what was coming up for auction that would fit her designs. I'd have fun going along after school and offering my opinion on which piece of furniture I thought would look best in the new apartment. We refinished or repainted furniture when necessary and in a matter of weeks listed the apartment in the "For Rent" section of the NY Times.

The phone rang off the hook. Within a week we'd found a tenant and rented the apartment with a year’s lease. By the time I was twelve, my mother, repeating that same scenario many times, was managing more than twenty apartments, all of which she'd decorated and subleased at substantial profit.

But times change. A few years later the NY rental market began to falter; Mom's business was slipping away. Overnight, rentals had become a thing of the past; people with money were buying their apartments instead of renting them. Undaunted, Mom entered school and after 6 months of classes, proudly announced that she had earned her real-estate license. If she couldn't rent, she was going to sell. Our days of refinishing furniture & visiting auction houses were over.

Mom started working at an up & coming firm on Madison Ave that was carving out a lucrative niche market by catering to wealthy clients looking for luxury apartments in Manhattans newly converted co-op buildings. Her first client was Woody Allen; a new career was born, a new adventure begun.

Mom's goals were straightforward: to be a good mother, enjoy a full life by embracing new experience and marry a wonderful man with the same objectives. She never did find that perfect man but she scored high in every other regard. Flexibility was an intrinsic part of her nature and helped her overcome setbacks without losing her enthusiasm for her dream.

As for me, she gave me the gift of knowing I can do whatever I want and the courage to follow through. I new as long as I was doing what I loved, money would follow. And, in genera, it has."


From Bob & Melinda Blanchard "Live What You Love"

Culture Challenge of the Week: Parents Who Won't Parent

The new Fox TV show, "I Hate My Teenage Daughter," aired an episode recently that provoked passionate debate among real life moms. The TV episode followed a mom's reaction when her fourteen-year-old daughter wanted to date an older teen--a teenage dad. One viewer, then, turned to her peers on the popular blog site for moms, CafeMom, and asked, "Would you let your teenage daughter [age 14] date a guy who has a baby?"

While many of the moms said "no," (often saying they wouldn't let a fourteen-year-old date anyone), a few flakes said yes, and a significant number waffled.

The "wafflers" trouble me most.

Many wafflers were moms who felt a decision like this -- whether their 14-year-old should go out with a teen father -- wasn't theirs to make. As parents, they could only speak their piece and hope for the best.

Rules? Futile.

In their world, teens call the shots. Parental wisdom stacks up as one opinion among many -- advice to be considered, or not. Whether a teen will follow parental advice on dating is no more predictable than a roll of the dice.

"I would try to persuade her not to," said one mom. "I doubt I would have a choice, but I wouldn't like it," said another. A third chimed in with a fatalistic virtual shrug, "You can't really control love…"

Teen dating decisions for these moms clearly fall within the realm of personal autonomy, and so a daughter's autonomy (at 14!) would be absolute. Like selecting perfume, who they will spend time with alone becomes a matter of distinctly personal preference, impervious to rules or objective measure.

And so, if these parents believe they ought to suspend their parental judgment in favor of adolescent preference, what then is a parent's role? To 'support' --financially and emotionally -- their teen's decisions, regardless of whether or not those decisions are moral and prudent.

It's a secular parenting philosophy that extends beyond dating decisions to nearly every aspect of teenagers' lives -- friends, music, school, media, and faith. Teenage autonomy trumps parental authority.

The stage has been set for years now. From cartoons, to children's books, to adolescent literature, to school sex ed classes -- the cultural message is that parents are either clueless buffoons, or old-school tyrants. And, if parents don't willingly grant autonomy to their teens, then kids need a work-around (often provided by "teen advocates" with their own agenda).

Too often, parents themselves buy into this philosophy. As a result, according to Albert Mohler, the President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, parents today "have largely become passive facilitators in the lives of their children."


How To Save Your Family with Loving Direction [Authority]

These waffling moms need to take their blinders off. With eyes wide open, they need to look around and realize that they, not their teens, are the grown-ups in the room.
Teens simply don't have the knowledge, maturity, and wisdom to make adult judgments.

This is why they have us.

Parents possess experience and wisdom that children won't have for years. Even a mature teenager cannot easily envision -- by herself -- the full, long-term consequences of her actions. She hasn't lived long enough and doesn't know enough. An adult, on the other hand, presumably is aware of the consequences of early dating -- and the risks of dating an older male whose values and self-control are in doubt.

Most of the moms in this online conversation had the right instincts -- they knew the right decision. What they lacked was the confidence and will to act; they lacked the confidence and will to parent.

That's not okay.

Parents have more than wisdom and years -- we have a responsibility, given by God, to train our children in the way they should go. (Prov. 12:6). It's an ongoing responsibility -- a gift to our children -- that does not end magically when a child hits 13.

Or, 15. Or, 17.

Loving parental authority not only teaches children right from wrong, but also helps them develop prudence, exercise gradual independence, and assume greater personal responsibility on the path to adulthood.

Teenagers need their parents, and parents need to parent.

Do your teens call the shots in your home? Is your parental wisdom just one opinion among many -- "advice" for your teen to consider or reject? It's time for parents to parent!

***

Teens rebel. It's an inevitability that is not a matter of if, but when, and how often. And, even the best teens think that they know what's best for them, and will reject your wisdom from time to time.

But, the answer is not to throw your hands in the air (or, offer a virtual shrug), and accept defeat. Teens do not know what's best for them. They need you, and the rebellion you see in them is evidence of that.

Stand your ground. Don't relent. They may not immediately recognize that you are right, and that you have their best interests in mind, but one day they will. And, the alternative -- letting teens run their own lives -- can have tragic consequences.

More than just needing you -- teens want you. They want your guidance and rules. So, be there for them. They'll appreciate it more than they'll let you know.

Rebecca Hagelin - 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family